Lesson 36. Help—A Language of Love

One day Jesus came to the home of His friend Lazarus. The Lord enjoyed the warm, friendly atmosphere of this place, and therefore He loved to be there. The home of Lazarus is noted in the Bible as a special place of emotional rest for our Savior.

And now the Guest arrives, accompanied by many disciples. They are tired from the journey; they all need to rest and eat. Water is needed to wash everyone’s feet, and a place must be prepared where all of them can settle comfortably.

Here is a question: would you like to receive such guests for a short time and accommodate them in your home? Jesus and the twelve apostles are visiting you! What wonderful selfies you could take! But everyone who has arrived is hungry.

Two sisters lived in this house: Mary and Martha. They both loved Jesus, and He loved them. I think that somewhere in their hearts these young women dreamed of having a Husband like Him—Someone Who was not merely a well-known young Man, but also a personal Friend of their family. Yet despite all His love, Jesus proposed to neither of them. How their hearts must have languished as they awaited His choice! But now Christ came to visit once again and set the whole house in motion. Martha quickly understood what needed to be done and began preparing an abundant meal. She rejoiced that in this way she could express her love for her dear Friend, and her happiness knew no bounds. Martha and Mary began preparing the meal together. Jesus took the place of honor in the home and began telling His listeners something interesting. The neighbors surely came into the house as well. Then something unusual happened. Mary left the kitchen, went to Jesus, sat at His feet, and began listening to His words. Christ’s disciples involuntarily turned their eyes toward this young woman and, while listening to Jesus, became absorbed in looking at her. Mary, paying attention to nothing else, caught every word of Christ and entered deeply into the meaning of His teaching. Her thirst for knowledge of the truth and her love for the Lord are especially noted in the pages of the Bible.

Suddenly something remarkable happened. Martha interrupted this beautiful conversation and, reproaching Mary for her carelessness, asked Jesus to influence her sister and point out her direct responsibility—caring for the guests. The disciples’ eyes turned toward Martha. I think many appreciated her skill as a homemaker and her diligence, while some may have imagined her as the mistress of their own home. Martha’s ability to manage a household reminded them of the woman described in the final verses of the Proverbs of Solomon. I suppose this was not the disciples’ first visit to this house, and they all knew Mary and Martha well. Perhaps many of them sided with Martha, considered her reproach just, and were ready to show Mary her proper place in the home, but Jesus spoke before any of them could. We read in Luke 10:41–42: “And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

In another Gospel we read in John 12:2–3: “There they made Him a supper; and Martha served: but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with Him. Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment.”

Once again Martha serves, while Mary does something difficult to understand. Yet in both cases Jesus praises Mary, while Martha’s language of love appears to go unappreciated. This time Martha remains silent, for Jesus had helped them by performing the greatest miracle for their family—raising their brother Lazarus from the dead. Now Martha is ready to labor silently, placing all her love into helping the Lord Jesus and caring for His comfort. Did Jesus appreciate her labor? Yes. Otherwise, we would not have read about it. No detail of any service into which all one’s love is placed escapes the Lord’s notice.

Help is a language of love. It is the most difficult and problematic language for people who do not speak it. They find it hard to learn. Those who speak precisely this language of love voice the most complaints about other languages, considering their own the most correct and understandable. And there is little one can say in response. Deeds of love are visible. An action has been performed and has produced a visible result. If it is captured in a video or photograph, it can also be shown to others. Deeds are difficult to dispute. They are evident. Everything else seems like empty sound and not so important.

Yet help is not the only language of love; it is one of the many languages through which love is expressed, and everyone must always remember this. If I do not speak this language, reproaches from those who do are guaranteed. They usually sound like this: “Show me your deeds!”

Unfortunately, this is indeed what happens. When people do not understand this, such statements very often discourage and deprive of enthusiasm those who are accustomed to expressing their love differently. As a result, a person falls silent and withdraws inward, often ceasing to speak even in a language they understand.

How often families collapse simply because spouses do not understand one another, attempting to express love in their own way without considering that they are foreigners to each other.

Deeds are visible to everyone, and they cannot be disputed. All the other languages, with the exception of gifts, have a more spiritual and emotional expression.

When I begin speaking with a person in their language of help, it is not difficult for me to express my friendliness in this way, and the person near me understands me perfectly. Their heart opens, and the person may decide that from now on I will always communicate in this manner. As a sign of gratitude, they may offer to help me in return, but I find it difficult to accept because I await and value a different expression of love. Nevertheless, out of love for the person, I agree. But if I have learned this language or speak it as my native tongue, we will form a wonderful team. It is true that other “foreigners” will find it difficult to be friends with us. We may simply overwhelm them with our experience.

Does God speak this language of love? Absolutely! From morning until evening He is occupied with caring for our needs, helping us in all our cares, and participating in all our plans and affairs, endowing us with strength, wisdom, and skill. When our human resources come to an end and we begin crying out to Heaven, help arrives and the answer becomes evident.

At the same time, the Lord desires that when I speak the language of help, I should not judge those who express their love differently. He expects me to seek ways of reaching the hearts of those near me in their native language.

When I express rudeness, anger, or hostility in the language of love native to the person near me, I commit a dangerous act. If that person helped me and I declare their deeds empty and worthless, destroying them, it may become a genuine tragedy for them. For example, a wife washed the floor, placing all her love into the task, and I walked across it in my boots. What disrespect! How many reproaches follow! “You do not love me!” Yet I merely decided to retrieve something quickly, without any evil intention. I simply did not notice that the floor was clean. But my wife’s heart is broken. Because I do not understand her language of love, I interpret what happened as one more prohibition in my own home and begin walking through a “minefield.”

Look at many family conflicts. For the most part, they arise between “foreigners” who do not wish or are unable to understand what is expected of them and why they themselves are not understood.

Agape Love teaches the language of help and knows how to speak it properly, while preserving a person’s right to their native language.

1. In the light of this lesson, please read James 2:14–18; 3:13; and 4:17.

2. What did you understand from this lesson?

3. Using the verses above, explain how faith, deeds, help, and the other languages of love can be combined.

4. Are you familiar with this language of love? How can it manifest itself in practice?

5. In what ways can the language of help be expressed?

6. Read Genesis 2:18. According to God’s plan, what does a wife’s help to her husband consist of?

7. Is it worth learning the language of help if it is not the native language of your heart?