Lesson 106. If I Have Not Love

I think that everyone who has read the Bible has been captivated by the beauty of the verses in chapter 13 of the First Epistle to the Corinthians. I am no exception. I also noticed that I had reread this chapter many, many times and had even memorized some of it, yet I did not understand what it was about or how it concerned me. I did not even doubt that I possessed this very agape love. Since it was written about in this way, it must belong to me. Sometimes I even asked God to give me this love, without understanding what I was asking for.

When my daughter was about five years old, she could boldly declare that she knew how to drive a car. This meant that her father would sit her on his lap and let her turn the steering wheel while the car was moving. Although this took place in a small village at a low speed, with her father’s hands and feet controlling things below, my daughter felt like a professional and believed that she was the one driving the car. I experienced approximately the same feelings when I read about love and tried to do some of the things that were written.

But when a crisis encompassing every area of my life came, I realized very clearly that I had no love. When everything was going badly and all my values and attachments were collapsing, for some reason I began to understand that I was nothing because there was no love in me. By faith I gave all my problems to Jesus. I did not ask for money, health, peace, or a good job, because I understood that none of these things would fill the emptiness in my heart where love was meant to dwell. Of course, I did possess something of this gift, but only enough to keep me from starving to death. And that did not make me happy. My whole soul began to cry out to the Lord. I honestly told Him that I had no love and did not want to live this way any longer. If He would not give me this very agape, then without it I needed nothing else. That was approximately the meaning of my prayer. I was completely honest and direct. Why deceive myself, much less God? I do not think that I told my Heavenly Father anything new. He knew and saw all this perfectly well and had waited a very long time for this prayer of mine so that He could answer it.

I am not giving you a rule for how to ask God for love; I am simply sharing my experience. Everyone has his own perception and needs. But God listens to the heart and understands very well what it is asking for and what it needs.

And so I pleaded and received what I asked for. It was a very short prayer, but it contained the cry of my soul. And God performed a miracle for me. Somehow I suddenly understood that He had answered. My first thought was about my wife, whom I was planning to divorce, something we had discussed from time to time in recent days. The Lord showed me that when I learned to love my wife, I would then be able to love everyone. Yet at that time it was easier for me to love everyone than to love one person—my wife. I am deeply ashamed that I lived this way, but it was precisely the absence of genuine love that weighed so heavily upon me. Without it, my entire existence had lost its meaning.

After my prayer, I understood that something had happened. My aversion toward my wife disappeared, new thoughts arose, and I began to notice that some previously unknown power had begun to bring about changes within me. I thought I would now collapse from happiness beneath such a gift from God, but this gift came down with all its weight upon every area of my life, pressed me to the ground of despair, and began squeezing all the filth out of me. How unpleasant it was! Yet at the same time, God gave me the assurance that He loved me. How I wished that someone would explain to me how love works, how it manifests itself, and how to direct it. I was afraid to tell anyone what was happening to me, because I understood that no one would comprehend it. How I wished that at that time I could have studied in a school of love and, through the experience of others, discovered all these mysteries of the struggle taking place in my heart. But Jesus Himself taught me. He did not abandon me to myself, but began drawing me to Himself and teaching me to discuss every problem and task with Him. And He is the true Teacher of love. Revelations about what love is and how it works constantly came to me. I rejoiced in them and saw them manifested in my life, but then I forgot them because there were so many. Yet they concerned only me and brought joy to my heart.

Gradually I learned to love my neighbors, delighting in this power within me. I had no plans to bring this experience before the public, and I modestly rejoiced in the new revelations and experiences within myself. At the same time, however, I understood what power I had come to possess. I directed this weapon against various people and always saw victory. Over these years I became so accustomed to overcoming by love that I can no longer imagine any other outcome of the battle.

Then one day the Lord prompted me to tell my brothers and sisters about what was happening to me. I began sharing my knowledge and experiences. Before this, any subject I raised provoked arguments and disagreement, because I liked discussing things that caused problems. But this time I understood that the subject was serious and difficult and had to be presented in accessible language. I spoke. It worked. Silence in response. Then I spoke again, and again. No one argued, but no one asked any questions either.

The subject of love is probably the deepest subject and the one least discussed. If we take clothing and diet, for example, everything is quite the opposite.

But Jesus leads onward. The love within me and my knowledge of it grew into a fire that became difficult to contain. I will not say that everyone who receives the gift of love must experience the same thing, but do not be frightened if strange things of the kind we are studying begin to happen to you.

The most impregnable fortress before the power of love is my neighbor’s freedom of choice. Everything I allow God to embody and produce within me becomes my experience and discovery, and God works wonderfully. But if I wish to make this the possession of a friend, I come to the wall of his choice and perception and understand that this is foreign territory, which one may enter only by special permission and remain in only for as long as one is allowed. This is an entire science that the Lord reveals as one becomes immersed in His love.

And so time passed. I love. I open 1 Corinthians 13 and marvel. I understand what Paul is writing about. I have experienced all of it; I see that this is indeed how it is in my life. Every definition contains depth and has already become my personal experience and a victory within me. And I realize how dreadful and severe the warning is concerning who I am without love. My heart contracts with pain: what if I should be found among that number? That would be everything—the end of everything. It is difficult for me to imagine my life without love. I will consent to any trial, as long as this gift remains with me. Without love, I need nothing in this world, and the world itself becomes empty and lifeless.

Yet the truth that without love I am nothing will one day become clear to everyone. It will be especially painful to realize that it was very near and readily available, but I simply had no time to understand this matter, accept it, and study it. Without love I will never know Jesus as He desires and expects. And it will be very frightening to hear Him say that He does not know me. This will become the horror that many Christians will experience, and then it will be too late to correct anything. I choose love.

1. What new things did you learn from this lesson?

2. Can you also tell how you came to God?

3. Who is Jesus to you? How do you picture Him, or how do you know Him?

4. Please read 1 John 1:1–4 and Acts 4:20 in the light of our lesson.