Lesson 161. Freedom in Friendship

Let me tell you a short illustration.

At last I have a friend! And what a friend he is!!! And he loves me. I simply adore him. And perhaps there is nothing more wonderful than spending time with your friend, talking about any subject, doing things together, and simply loving. And when there are also common interests and spiritual values, it is like an earthly paradise.

And I begin to live for this fellowship and dream that our friendship will never end.

And the more time we spend together, the more firmly convinced I become that my friend is my property. He is mine. Forever. And he must understand this and behave in accordance with these demands and expectations.

The newness of our relationship quickly passes, and we are already friends on the basis of my deep inner attraction and strong emotional attachment. And I understand that, having such a friend, I do not need other people or new acquaintances, because my dear friend meets all my spiritual needs and satisfies all my emotional needs. Why look for another? We are comfortable in our little private circle.

And so days, weeks, and years pass, and we rejoice in each other’s company and understand that we need no one else.

Seeing our friendship, many people seek to intrude into our relationship, but we do not want to share with others the intimate feelings that we experience.

But then a misfortune occurred. My friend met a young woman who began to take up all his time and turned his attention away from me and toward herself. And all our rare conversations come down to my having to listen to how wonderful this woman is.

She really is good, but she is taking my property away from me and claims the place that I occupy in my friend’s heart. And he does not object to this, as he constantly tells me. What should I do?

I do not want to destroy their relationship, but I see that something must be done. I understand that I am losing something very dear to me and that my friend has gone very far in this new relationship. Therefore, if I interfere with its development, he will prefer to remain with this young woman and push me aside. But it should not be this way, because we are friends, and friendship is sacred and eternal.

I try to preserve our fellowship and constantly remind him of myself, making it clear that I also exist, that I also need attention, that I still want to talk, and that I have things to tell him. And we try to maintain our relationship. But this new female friend immediately discerned my intentions and makes it clear to my friend that she wants to be the one to whom he will devote his life, or else she will step aside and will not interfere with our continuing friendship. And, of course, my friend chose her. And tension appeared in our relationship.

And a wedding is approaching. I am invited to be one of the witnesses. This is pleasant for me, but also painful. For I am losing something very close to me forever. How unfair it is!

And my relatives and good acquaintances constantly tell me so many details from the lives of my friend and his young woman that I never cease to be amazed at how blind I was in my love and did not see what they see. But now I have become wiser, and I will no longer allow other friends to ‘lead me by the nose.’

And now my friend has a family and children, and we communicate, but no longer as before; now we do so cautiously.

I have embellished this situation a little in order to highlight certain aspects of this relationship. I can assure you that the friendship of people who do not know Christ differs from the friendship of Christians or from the friendship of a believer with people who do not have Eternal Life.

Although friendship remains itself in every situation, it has different motives and is based on different laws. And the most important principle of true friendship is that it respects a person’s choice and gives one’s friend complete freedom to choose the relationships and the degree of closeness that he wishes to have.

We live in a world that has its own concepts and laws of friendship. They are very similar to spiritual ones. Both have much in common, and as a result, when I become a believer, I want to bring my old ideas into my new life. This creates problems in relationships, and I do not understand why everything goes wrong.

The best example of friendship is Christ’s attitude toward me. He loves to be a Friend, He knows how to be a Friend, He knows how to be My Friend, and He is the truest Friend. And His attitude toward me sometimes bewilders me. I judge Him by myself, but He is not like that; He is special. I think that since I have done this or that, Jesus will now behave in a certain way because that is what is customary in the world. But He does not act according to my ideas; He has His own understanding. Christ often surprises me with His attitude. He will embrace someone and hold that person close, comforting him in this way. To another of His friends He will speak tender words and look into his eyes, but He will pass by me without even looking at me or comforting me, leaving me to resolve everything alone. Yet Jesus will not abandon me forever; He will stand nearby and watch with interest as I flounder in my cares and find a way out. And I so want Him to embrace me too and resolve everything with His gentle touch. And in despair I cry out, ‘Lord, dost Thou not care that I perish and suffer?!’ But He watches me attentively and waits for something. Yet when I finally cry, ‘Save me!!! I am perishing!!!’ then He is instantly beside me and saves me. How am I to understand Him?

But in His Love for me, Jesus makes me understand that I will cope with many of my problems myself, because His Grace is sufficient for me, while He treats those who are weak in faith with greater tenderness. And I watch as He embraces them after my stories, how tenderly He speaks to them using my speech, while He does not even look at me. And it becomes so joyful that at least it happens in this way. How I would like always to be such an infant, lying in His arms and receiving His affection. But Jesus sends me out into the world alone and teaches me to become independent, while always watching me and keeping me within His field of vision, allowing me to make mistakes, fall, rise, acquire bumps and bruises, and choose my path.

And He respects my freedom, preserving me in it, and forbids others to violate my personal space without my consent. He Himself does not enter where I do not allow Him to enter.

We were all created for one another, but we cannot make one another our property, even if we are members of the same family. To become another person’s conscience is a gross violation of personal freedom and forbidden territory that must not be entered.

In every society there is order, there are laws of conduct and morality, and there are rules that must be taken into account and observed. But there is also something very personal, and this I must decide for myself. The personal consists of what I myself must understand, what I am to believe, whom I am to love, with whom and how I am to be friends, how I am to behave, and what kind of person I am to be. And God respects my choice and does not force my will, but He always offers the best way, promising to be with me if I choose Him. And this is so interesting! I am free to choose life or death, blessing or curse, friendship or enmity, love or selfishness. And He takes my choice into account and acts according to what I choose. When I respond to His counsel by saying that I have no time to study it and delve into its essence and meaning, He accepts even this and waits.

1. What new things did you learn?

2. How does Christian friendship differ from friendship in the world?

3. Can a dependent person give freedom to another person?

4. Please share your experience of how Christ relates to your freedom.

5. Why is it so important to respect another person’s boundaries?

6. Which commandment is violated when a person tries to become another person’s conscience?

7. Please read Deuteronomy 27:16; Micah 6:8; Zephaniah 2:3; Philippians 2:3; Matthew 23:8–11; Matthew 23:8–11; Mark 16:9; John 13:1; Luke 17:17–19; Exodus 20:3–5; Romans 6:16; John 4:23; Luke 9:54–55; and 1 John 4:1 in the light of our lesson.