Family Responsibilities

How unusual and wonderful it is to unite your destiny with the one you love, and then already within the family, to build your future life, taking into account new circumstances!

Every day brings us discoveries and provides opportunities for a deeper knowledge of each other. Step by step, we move toward harmony in our relationship and look for any opportunity to improve what we are building. And what we are building is happiness, in which we plan to live until death separates us.

As we got to know each other more closely, we began to discover that our entire household consists of carrying out all sorts of daily chores that never end and never disappear.

You get up — make the bed. You take off your clothes — put them in the laundry. You want to eat — buy and cook. You eat — clear the table and wash the dishes. You live in a house — learn to clean it. You are going to church — prepare your clothes. And there are dozens more actions you cannot escape from. It turns out that from morning till evening we are always doing something.

But over time, I realized that I could quietly shift part of these family responsibilities onto my wife and create the important appearance of a busy man, immersed in reflections on global world problems. And when my conscience began to weigh on me, then I would show initiative and start helping my beloved in her daily work.

But I was quickly exposed and made to understand that my serious look interested no one, and at home we are all equal before each other. When, after another meal, my wife began washing the dishes, I decided to support her in this matter by hugging her from behind and pressing close, enjoying the warmth of her body. But she, apparently, did not appreciate such care and asked me to stand next to her and dry the washed dishes. I explained that I was busy with something very important and could not leave it. Then my hands were mercilessly freed from all my “important” activities, and I was summoned to an extraordinary negotiation.

The agenda was clear: the distribution of family responsibilities. A serious discussion followed. I allowed my wife to express everything on her heart and was surprised at how clearly she listed all my evasions from household duties under the guise of feigned importance. She did not miss anything I had tried to conceal, reminding me that before the wedding, I had been much more helpful.

She recounted all this with tenderness and a sense of humor, while I marveled at what a keen observer I had in my home. Nothing can be hidden.

Eventually, I stopped her, saying: “Enough of reading my thoughts. Make your proposals.”

I realized my guilt and understood that I was wrong, because I had allowed my fleshly tendencies to dictate to me how to adapt to the new conditions of life. I suggested that we pray, and we knelt down, asking God’s forgiveness for our carelessness and pleading for wisdom from above to understand how to organize our household and distribute family responsibilities.

After the prayer, we began to counsel with each other, sharing our ideas and proposals. We considered each little task and agreed on who would perform it, and who would help or take it over when the other was occupied with something else.

I decided to write down the key points that concerned me personally, trying to understand what the Lord expected from me.

From the Bible, I remembered that the husband is the head of the wife and the family, but I did not quite understand what that meant in practice. I did not strive to occupy this place, because I understood that it must be received from the one who chooses to make you her head. It is like in the church: if we place Christ at the head of our lives and keep what He has commanded, supporting His authority, then He takes that place and blesses us with His presence.

So in the family: if my wife chooses to make me her head, creating my reputation and supporting my authority by living as the Lord teaches her, then I will gladly take that place and serve her at all times. I understand how great a responsibility it is to be the head of a family, and that I cannot become one on my own if my wife does not decide so. Not to mention that the Lord Himself will ask me how I managed my household, receiving strength from above.

I also heard that in some cultures, a man must not do what does not befit him by status as a husband. I thought about this and concluded that we should discuss such matters together in our family councils and decide how we will behave if we end up in such cultures or invite someone from exotic countries into our home.

I was also hindered by examples from the lives of my parents and the families I observed as a child. I saw constant wars, heard complaints and laments about duties that someone should do but did not. I remember the humiliation these people suffered when their behavior was publicly discussed. I did not want to have all this in my family, so I decided to always first consult with my wife, understand her point of view, and then come to mutual agreement. And if she does not mind that while washing the dishes, I can hug and kiss her, and she gives me permission, then I will fulfill this duty with a clear conscience.

My beloved and I also discussed those everyday responsibilities that each of us decided to do on our own, without coercion, not expecting help from the other. However, if help comes, it should be received with joy, and we will do our little work together.

The distribution of duties and clarification of our roles in one matter or another took a lot of discussion, but I wrote down all the important points so that, in case of disputes, I could present these notes as evidence of our agreements and make adjustments as we gained a clearer understanding of who should do what.

I really like the description of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31:10–31, but I understand that a woman must grow to such a state of mind herself, and it is the Lord Himself who must teach her. And my direct responsibility is to love my wife unconditionally and to praise her at all times, discovering new features that the Lord shows me. I cannot make my wife into Ruth or Abigail, nor do I intend to, but I know that God has a plan for my family, and its fulfillment will be a blessed gift for us both.

Right now, we are building our family happiness from what suits us and what we decide to have in our relationship. This is our home, and it is for us to live in it. In our family, we are both indispensable, and no one else can do for us what we need from each other.

By mutual agreement, we discussed all imaginable responsibilities and even the upbringing of future children. It was so joyful to think about each other’s happiness and to plan our work at home for the sake of making life comfortable and pleasant for your loved one. And about some tasks, we argued fiercely, not wanting to give them up to each other, understanding that their performance would bring special joy to the other.

1. Please read Eph. 5:22–33; Col. 3:12–25; Matt. 19:10; Mark 9:35; 10:42–45; Luke 22:24–30; Heb. 7:7; Prov. 13:23; 18:17–22; Jer. 17:7–10; Rom. 14:1,12–13; 1 Tim. 3:1–5,11; James 1:5 in light of this lesson.

2. What did you understand from this topic?

3. What other Bible verses came to your mind?

4. Is it necessary to distribute responsibilities within the family?

5. What if I think my wife should take care of the house while I earn money, but my wife disagrees with such an approach?

6. Is it important to take into account and observe family traditions accepted in our society?

7. Should we hold family councils on various disputed issues about the distribution of duties?

8. How should we understand God’s command in Gen. 3:16: “To the woman He said… and your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you”?

9. What does it mean to be the head of the family? What should it look like, and what spirit should such a head have?

10. Does being the head of the family mean that the husband does not have to do anything?

11. What are the husband’s responsibilities?

12. What responsibilities are placed on the wife?

13. Should spouses negotiate the distribution of responsibilities, or should they fight for their rights?

14. What should be done if, after agreements, someone irresponsibly performs his or her duties or does not want to do them at all?

15. How can we understand what God expects of us? What responsibilities, in His view, should we fulfill in our families?