Parents

Parents are not chosen. Perhaps they did not even plan us, but here we are. And our connection with our parental home is very strong, and this influence accompanies us throughout our entire life. Even when death takes away our dear relatives, memories of them continue to live in our hearts.

Parents are different. It is very easy to say that some people were lucky with them, while others’ lives were ruined by poor influence and upbringing. But we have “today,” in which much can be changed and something beautiful begun, if you know where it is waiting for you, so that you may enrich yourself with it.

We are given a commandment to honor father and mother, so that our days may be prolonged on this earth, which the Lord gives us. This command does not speak of which parents are to be honored and which are not. Also, the word “honor” itself has quite a broad and deep meaning. It includes respect, reverence, care, love, communication, friendly relationships, obedience, trust, and much more.

When I create my own family, I understand that my parents will not disappear anywhere, but will remain my father and mother. In addition, my wife’s parents appear in my life, whom God’s commandment also calls me to honor as my own blood relatives. In fact, by taking their daughter as my wife, I become their son, and there is no escaping that.

If I have loved my future wife as the most wonderful person in the world, this does not yet mean that her parents are just as wonderful. Here, anything can be expected, but the commandment written by God in my heart helps me take the right position and remain faithful to God’s requirements in this matter.

I do not marry her whole family and all her relatives. I choose only one person with whom I plan to live my whole life away from all our relatives, as far as this will be possible — and this we decide within our family.

Before offering anything to my future wife, when she was still only in my plans, I consulted my parents about her, asking for their advice and permission for this friendship. And then, seeing my beloved’s warm attitude toward me, I asked her parents for permission to be friends with their daughter, to understand whether I could take her as my wife. My parents carefully studied the photos of my girlfriend, asked me many questions about her, and then, seeing my excitement, gave their approval.

With the parents of my future wife, it was a little different. They were surprised that I asked them about this, but I gave them time to think in order to receive a clear answer. I was determined that if they refused me, I would not go against their will but would try to understand the reason and correct all the shortcomings in my life before the next attempt, if there would be one. While they were pondering and questioning their daughter, I prayed that everything would be according to God’s will. As a result, we were given approval for our friendship, after which I asked my beloved whether she desired to be friends with me in order to get to know each other better for the creation of a family. She agreed. After that, I personally introduced her to my parents and then visited her family as well.

Having secured the support and understanding of our relatives, we began to calmly develop our relationship, getting to know each other in friendship.

When we realized that we could not do without a wedding, we decided to ask for the blessing of our parents, which we received in full measure. Even though we did not know how it should sound, we longed to hear from our parents words of approval and blessing for our future union, and they gladly spoke many kind words for us.

I was prepared for the fact that my wife’s parents might be unbelievers and take an active position in opposing our faith, and therefore I decided to be very cautious in this matter and not provoke unnecessary conflicts. Also, knowing the proud character of my mother, I tried to be personally present at her meeting with my beloved, so that, if necessary, I would take all the blows upon myself and protect the tender soul of my beloved from possible wounds. But my chosen one turned out to be a very good psychologist and immediately understood my mother’s character. Therefore, she began very delicately to build her relationship with her, to avoid all sharp corners and not to give occasion to those seeking one.

Our parents were independent in terms of health and financial well-being, had their own housing, knew how to solve all their problems themselves, and did not need outside help. But even before the wedding, my friend and I discussed the question about our parents and decided that we would live separately from them, would not pull money from them, and if, because of illness or old age, there would be a need to care for them, then we would change all our plans according to the situation. Not knowing what awaited us in the future, we decided to live today and entrusted everything into God’s hands.

When the opportunity came, we shared our plans concerning them with our parents, which frightened them, since they were not at all going to grow old or get sick, and they assured us not to worry about it, because they would somehow manage on their own.

After the wedding, we became one, and we could freely visit our parents or invite them to our place without worrying about whether they liked something in our home or not.

After some time, my wife and I had to finally cut our umbilical cords and make our mothers understand that we were now independent people and would spend more time with our own family. With this, we made our mothers suffer for a while. However, our decision to leave father and mother and cleave to each other was so resolute that our parents had to accept it and build their lives without our presence in it. But we did not cut off our relationship with them; we still kept in touch with our relatives, but already as a union equal to theirs.

Our parents, seeing our respect for them and independence from them, submitted to their new role and accepted their new status, periodically inviting us to visit them and constantly asking if an addition was expected somewhere on the horizon. And every time, we assured them that so far we had not received such a blessing, and that we would immediately let them know when it came.

One day, we decided to ask our parents about all our ancestors to understand who our forefathers were. It turned out that in our families it was not customary to keep genealogies, so we desired to gather everything ourselves.

Honoring father and mother also includes honoring the parents of our parents. We found out which of our grandparents were still alive and personally met each of them. How interesting it was to see the differences between elderly people and their children! The wisdom they had gained from their lived lives was evident in each of their words and in their balanced behavior. They were not in a hurry, demanded nothing, but were ready to joyfully share with us what they saw as our need. Their advice was calm and very deep. They loved their children and gladly recounted episodes from the childhood of our parents, which cheered our hearts. But grandmothers are also different, and the influence of the world also leaves its mark on their minds. We decided to honor these relatives as well and prayed for them, remembering their needs.

1. Please read Ex. 20:12; 21:15,17; Deut. 5:16; Prov. 19:26; 28:24; Matt. 15:3-9; Mark 7:6-13; 1 Pet. 2:17; Eph. 6:1-4; Lev. 19:32; 1 Kings 2:19; Gen. 2:22-24; 44:19-22; Ruth 1:16-18; Matt. 19:4-6,29 in light of this lesson.

2. What have you understood from this topic?

3. What other Bible verses came to your memory?

4. How do you understand the words “leave” and “cleave” from Gen. 2:24?

5. Can your parents destroy your marital happiness if they continue to dictate and tell you how to live?

6. What should you do if your parents do not understand that you are now a separate family and continue to care for and oversee you?

7. Can I ask my mother not to impose her order in my kitchen? Will this be an expression of my honor?

8. Should you set boundaries in your family for the influence of your parents?

9. Should you care for your parents when they no longer have the strength to do so themselves?

10. Should I honor my wife’s parents as my own?

11. Is wisdom from above needed to understand when the care of our parents for us ends and our care for them begins?

12. Why does God’s commandment not tell us which parents we should honor and which not?

13. What should we do if our parents are no longer alive?

14. How can one rightly honor father and mother while also loving one’s wife?

15. Does God remove from us the responsibility for keeping the fifth commandment?