Forced Leave

It is written in Prov. 21:19: “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and angry wife.” There are also other similar verses that complement this thought.

One of our friends named Andy decided to share with us his experience of life with his wife Mira, his family problems, and how the Lord taught him to endure such trials with love. (Names changed.) And we decided to pass on to you fragments of his story, believing there is something informative and useful here for us as well.

In the first years of marriage, peace and harmony reigned between the newlyweds, but sometimes disagreements occurred, and the wife would run to the kitchen, lock herself in, and stay there until she calmed down. Meanwhile, Andy tried to understand his guilt and somehow fix the situation. Over time, such scenes became more frequent and turned into open grumbling over various issues, after which it was very difficult to find points of contact and they had to wait until the “storm in a teacup” subsided.

After a while they had a child, who became a witness to frequent family conflicts arising out of nothing. Andy worried not only for himself, but also about the influence Mira had on the household. For the sake of peace in the family, he was ready to make any concessions and apologize for any reason. But sometimes he grew tired of the constant struggle with a quarrelsome spirit and tried to soberly clarify the situation, striving to present everything in the right light—only making things worse.

Another quarrel would plunge Andy into despondency, and he would leave the house for a long walk. He wandered around the neighborhood, communing during this time with his Savior, wishing to understand his guilt and asking for protection for himself, his wife, and his child.

Mira was not a foolish person and behaved friendly, cheerful, and smiling in public, in no way betraying her quarrelsome spirit. And when Andy sought counsel from his brethren, no one understood him, and many took the wife’s side, aggravating an already difficult situation.

There were moments when divorce seemed the best solution to all these family problems, but it did not bring peace or wisdom; rather, it opened doors to greater temptations.

Over the years, Andy’s family life turned into a constant struggle to keep his soul in the right spirit. He grew tired of arguing and defending something without any result. He began to understand that love could solve all these tasks in the best way and started asking for this power and receiving answers from the Lord.

At one wonderful moment, after yet another prayer for love, Andy realized that he loved, and that something had switched in his consciousness. He did not yet understand the full force of what he had received, but he was so glad that God had found a more excellent way, which opened grand prospects for victory and spiritual growth.

Andy’s numerous anxieties were replaced by a decision to love his wife whenever an evil spirit broke out from under control and again began to defile the peaceful home atmosphere. Andy noticed how love for his wife helped him correctly assess the situation and restrain a fair natural emotional reaction, yet behave calmly under all kinds of attacks and reduce everything to love and peace.

Mira, not encountering the usual resistance to her rudeness, at first was at a loss, not knowing how to behave further, but then decided to demonstratively slam doors as a sign of her “victory,” after which she would not speak for weeks until she came to herself. After some time she wished to leave the ranks of God’s church and live her own life, which greatly grieved her husband.

Meanwhile, love continued to teach Andy to gain victory after victory over his egoism and brought into his life new revelations about its power, its might, and about how God manifests Himself in this Heavenly quality of the soul. To every foul word and spit in the face from his wife he responded with a quiet prayer for love toward this person and did not offer corresponding resistance, grieving that his love was not being accepted by the dearest person.

At a certain point in his interesting trials, Andy decided to look at his situation from another side. He realized that anxieties about the lack of peace in the family and the “silent treatment” brought no positive result to his experience, and he decided to accept this as an inevitability with which he would have to live. And since such scenes began to take on a stable character, he called this time a “forced leave” from his wife. At the next explosion in their relationship, Andy thanked the Lord for a new “leave,” during which he could attend to his own affairs, solve his issues independently, report to no one about his daily routine, and not suffer from empty anxieties. And notably, what had previously destroyed his happiness and peace of heart now delighted him with an abundance of free time, which could be filled with various kinds of ministry and work.

At the same time, Andy did not throw off the family duties placed on him by God, but continued to care for his wife with tenderness and love, not allowing himself even the thought of leaving her.

Mira demanded attention only to herself and was jealous of any kind of fellowship Andy had with his friends and fellow believers. Therefore he had to build any relationships outside the home and tell Mira nothing about new friends and the blessings the Lord gave him through these acquaintances and personal interactions with other people.

He understood that it is not always right to give holy things to one who has an evil temper, and to cast the pearls of trusting relationships before people who are unable to distinguish the holy from the unclean. Therefore he had to carry all these heavenly treasures with himself and share them with those who needed and longed for them.

The situation in Andy’s family was not resolved even when the entire Heavenly Agape was brought into the family atmosphere. But Andy himself became different—a more loving, sensitive, and responsible husband, who consciously did not allow anything that could harm his wife. He understood that perhaps Mira would be able to appreciate his true attitude only after his death, but for now he was not planning to die and cheerfully looked at life, bringing forth the precious from the worthless.

Love does its work in the lives of those who open their hearts to it and thirst to wage every battle and gain every victory precisely in this way.

The problem in Andy’s relationships did not go anywhere, but became even more complex and incomprehensible. But his outlook changed. And what had previously killed and destroyed him now began to strengthen and cheer him—in the sad sense of the word.

Though he is sorry that his wife is losing so many blessings, he respects her choice and lives in what he chooses himself.

And how many similar families are there in every church? And how important it is to understand that a different view of an impossible situation can change everything in the heart and bring that solution to the problem which one had not previously considered.

We will be glad to learn if this unusual view of family problems helps any of you.

1. Please read Prov. 14:1; 19:13; 21:9–10, 19; 25:24, 28; 26:21; 27:15; James 3:13–18; 1 Tim. 3:1–5; Titus 3:1–7; 2 Cor. 10:3–6; Matt. 5:44–48; Eph. 5:25–28; 1 Pet. 3:7; Col. 3:18–19; 1 Tim. 6:6–7 in the light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?

3. What did you understand from this topic?

4. Why is it written that “it is better to live alone,” when in another place it says that “it is not good that the man should be alone”?

5. Is it pleasant to Heaven to see one person tempt another and then make him guilty of their sins?

6. Where does a quarrelsome spirit come from, and is it needed in a family to establish order?

7. Have you lived together with a quarrelsome person under one roof?

8. Can one and the same temptation be met with different reactions and different behavior?

9. Is the saying correct that everything that does not kill us makes us stronger?

10. Have you decided to reconsider your attitude toward some factors in your life that trouble you?

11. Do you think the one who overcomes evil with good can teach this to other people?

12. Is power from above needed in order to resist all evil with love?

13. What did Jesus mean when He said that a man’s enemies will be those of his own household? (Matt. 10:36).

14. Are you able to learn from the examples and mistakes of others?

15. In your opinion, is Andy from this story a victor? If yes, in what? If not, why?