One of the Secrets of Family Happiness

Try to tame some animal. What is needed for this? You simply start feeding it every day, speaking gently to it, if possible stroking it, and you remain consistent in this process. What will happen? This animal will get used to you, begin to trust you, love you, wait for you, and stop being afraid of you.

When two people plan to start a family, they very much want to know how well they suit each other, how ready they are to receive something from one another and to serve one another. And then you begin to search, choosing from a thousand people the one you could take care of. And thanks to such an attitude, this person becomes attached to you over time, because everyone likes those who take care of them.

But when a family is created, something amazing and interesting happens. Someone may decide that since he has a second half, she must now look after him, take care of him, think about his happiness, please him in everything, not argue about anything, and do everything his soul desires. And the other half wants the same. And what happens? Two egoists cannot figure out why before the wedding everything was so wonderful, and now no one even thinks about me.

Love is constant care for the one whom you love. It is the study of their needs, satisfying their necessities, constant attention to the one you have chosen among your beloved people. Caring for another person revives love in the heart, and the more you care for this beloved person, the more you love them.

Let us take, for example, inanimate things. I bought myself a car. And I wished to buy all sorts of accessories for it—new tires, beautiful stickers. I decided to wash it and maintain order inside and out. The more I invest money, effort, and time into this car, the more I begin to love it. This is a law. If I begin to invest my time, my means, my strength, my interests into something, then I involuntarily begin to value and love it in a special way. I grow attached with my heart to that in which I have an interest and about which I care most. Ask yourself what is dearest to you. I think that the most valuable thing will turn out to be that which cost you very much in money, in time, in care, in necessity.

And people are not things. They can receive something from you and give you something in return.

One can look at family relationships in the following way. When I come to love my wife, then I will begin to take care of her, do everything for her, and all my motives and deeds will have the firmest foundation and the right motives. But here is the problem: love never came. I even decided to read about love and figure out how it works. And how can one take care of someone without love? It will be some kind of hypocrisy and theater. People will think that I love, but I do not feel it at all.

But one can look at the family differently. Even though I have no feelings that I could call love, there are obligations—to love the one I chose and promised to care for in joy and in sorrow, in health and in sickness, in poverty and in wealth, until death parts us. And I simply do what I promised. At first this may seem difficult, but constant care for my second half teaches me many good things. I invest my strength in her, my earned means, I devote time to her—time from which my whole life consists. I study her habits and tastes, listen to her stories about life, and through them get to know better the one who, as it turns out, is such a wondrous soul. And after many years I suddenly realize that this person has become very dear and precious to me, although I still do not understand what love should be. My attitude toward my wife is not like in a movie or a popular novel, but I am comfortable and cozy with her, and I do not begrudge anything that I invest in her.

Some acquaintances of mine bought a small iguana. This is one of the varieties of reptiles. For several years they cared for this lizard, and it grew in size to two meters including the tail. Every time the owner came to clean up its droppings, this lizard tried to bite him. But he already knew its habits and was much more agile than this iguana. If an animal has a damaged mind, then you will not be able to tame it, and it will always be a danger. But if we speak of a cat or a dog, you can predict how your care for these animals will end. You will become inseparable friends, and these creatures will always love you and consider you their master.

There is a law of love which says that you will certainly come to love the one you care for and into whom you invest with all your heart. And this person will someday also come to value you and become attached to you with all their heart. But there are exceptions, when the person you care for has a damaged mind or a seared conscience. He simply does not understand that he needs to value your care and somehow respond in kind.

It also happens that at the center of the chosen person’s life there is an idol named “self,” which dictates only: “I, mine, to me, for me, about me…” How can such people be helped? Hard to say. And even your love and care for them will change little in their worldview. But perhaps after your death, when the one who thought only of them is gone, they will understand what kind of friend was beside them for so many years, and now they are needed by no one.

The commandment to love one another excludes one-sided egoism and calls friends to right relationships in mutual care for the needs of the other.

When you buy yourself a kitten, you do not think about how often it will bite and scratch you. You plan to give it a home in your house, to feed it, to love and care for it, and you have no doubt that this animal will love you. And in caring for it you receive what you expected.

And what prevents you from receiving from marriage that for which you created it? Did the spouse turn out not to be the right one? And how much have you invested in them?

Someone will say: “I did this and that for him, and also this. And he… If I had known, I would not have done anything!” Do you think your life will be better without caring for another? Do you really wish to become an egoist who thinks only about himself?

My acquaintance who raised reptiles in his house, although he received nothing from them in return, nevertheless learned to care for the needs of others. And when he had a wife, he transferred all his experience of care to her. She bore him two daughters, whom he also joyfully cared for and continues to do so to this day. Good habits help form good character and bring much benefit to the soul. And if a reptile likes being a reptile, then that is its concern and its choice, which may differ from mine.

Someone may read this and decide that all this is only words and nothing works. But try it, and you will see how something changes in your heart—how the world becomes more interesting and loved ones become closer. And you will certainly come to love that into which you begin to invest, and the one for whom you begin to care. And whether they respond in kind or not—that is the personal choice of the one to whom you decide to do good.

Here it is—family happiness—right nearby.

1. Please read 1 Tim. 5:8; Phil. 2:4–5; Ps. 141:4; Prov. 12:10; 29:10; Eccl. 3:9–13; 5:8–9; Isa. 32:9–18; Jer. 29:7; Luke 10:41–42; 1 Pet. 5:7; 1 Cor. 7:32–35; 12:21–27; Phil. 2:19–22; 4:10 in light of this lesson.

2. What other Bible verses came to your mind?

3. What did you understand from this topic?

4. Is it necessary to care so diligently for family happiness, or will it come on its own?

5. Do you have favorite things? If yes, in light of this lesson, how do they differ from others?

6. Do household animals understand the language of care toward them?

7. Do you think your language of caring for your neighbor is the language of agape love?

8. Why do we become attached with our hearts to that into which we invest the most? (Matt. 6:21).

9. Do you enjoy caring for someone?

10. What happens in the heart of the one who begins to care for someone?

11. How and in what is care for another expressed?

12. Do you think there will be happiness where he and she care for one another?

13. What should you do if you want to care for someone, but there is no one?

14. What should you do if those you care for do not value your efforts?

15. Do you think caring for your neighbor will become a habit if you begin to practice it?