Abusive relationships in the family

I have been a frequent witness to how my friends and acquaintances create families, promise each other love and harmony and shine with happiness. When you admire them, it seems that this celebration began to never end. But time passes, and you observe in some friends a completely different picture. Their faces are no longer so happy. Someone among them smiles sadly, and someone begins to share with you their family grief, not afraid to "air dirty laundry." You try to figure out all this and somehow help your dear people, but you understand that the root of this problem lies very deep, and you can only pray that the Lord will intervene and correct it.

Abusive relationships are a form of interpersonal interaction in which one side systematically uses physical, economic, sexual, emotional or psychological violence against the other side with the purpose of control, disorientation, humiliation, manipulation or oppression.

Abuse is an English word that means violence, cruelty, mistreatment, bad treatment. It generalizes all negative qualities, and a person who possesses this vice is called an "abuser." Accordingly, where there is an abuser, there must also be a "victim" of this violence. Abuse can be public or domestic.

I really don't want to talk about this, but the very fact that recently in many families such a spirit manifests itself compels me to illuminate this topic so that each reader can independently figure out who he is dealing with in his union, or what is in the heart of a friend who shows you special attention.

During the period of friendship it can be very difficult to identify sinful vices hiding in the depths of the soul. Sometimes even the abuser himself may not suspect who he is, because there is no one in relation to whom he could manifest these vices. But the Lord sees everything and can reveal such manifestations in advance, removing them from the heart, filling this place with love and friendliness.

Abuse is not an inborn character trait that you can't escape from, but one of the types of temptation that is offered to a person by demonic spirits, so that in this manifestation he feels his superiority and demonstrates power, receiving satisfaction of worldly pride. As a rule, abusers are men, but it happens that women can also possess these qualities of soul.

Such a spirit is very cunning and manifests itself with certain cyclicality according to its development.

First, tension grows in the abuser's heart, caused by an inadequate reaction to this or that situation or to temptation from evil spirits. God's grace can quickly neutralize such influence from outside if a person understands the nature of temptation and turns in prayer to God, or chooses love. But, bypassing these protective barriers, the will decides to invite another spirit to help and unleash all its indignation on the supposed victim in the form of some kind of violence. Violence can manifest in the form of moral insult, sexual rudeness or physical contact with the victim's body.

After this comes a decline in tension, the abuser repents, sometimes asks forgiveness, promises not to act this way anymore, convinces that this will not be repeated.

Then comes restoration of relationships and the time of "honeymoon," in which everything is so beautiful that the experienced pain is forgotten, and bright prospects open up.

And then everything is repeated again according to the same scenario, which confuses the victim, and the person does not know how to act correctly, because everything has returned to normal, and there is hope for change for the better.

Despite all his hatred for the victim, the abuser does not wish to break relations with her and tries in every way to keep her and emotionally attach her to himself, convincing that without him she simply cannot manage.

Violence against a person's will occurs, as a result of which the personality surrenders and finds itself under the power of one who can commit arbitrariness over it at his discretion. And the unfortunate accepts everything as inevitability with which it is worth reconciling. The victim decides to be a meek person, believing that the Lord will condemn any attempt to break such relationships.

Disorientation of one's neighbor is one of the abuser's favorite tools. He can speak and promise good things, and then, when they begin to remind him of this, he convinces that he did not say such things and did not even think about it. As a result, the listener gets lost trying to prove the unprovable and begins to consider himself inattentive or stupid. The abuser, on the contrary, presents all his stupidity and lies as something significant that must be reckoned with.

Economic violence consists in keeping all family finances under control, especially if the spouse does not work, and giving out minimum means for her maintenance, or nothing at all, declaring this a broad gesture and peak of charity, convincing the victim that without him she will perish. At the same time, the abuser manages the family budget at his discretion and needs, not limiting himself in anything.

Sometimes only divorce can become the best solution for abusive relationships, to give the victim a chance for something better in life. But it happens that a person is so morally destroyed in such violence that nothing in life makes him happy anymore, and he needs nothing more. Personal self-esteem is at zero, no changes in the abuser's behavior occur in response to prayers, and the law forbids divorce. And if there are children, then for their sake a person is ready to endure everything, because how can they manage without a father? And where the way out is, is unclear.

An abuser in the family can be a good friend in relation to other people. He is capable of being a law-abiding citizen and conscientious worker, whose name does not leave the "honor board." But in the family he behaves exactly as his selfish nature dictates. This is a strange phenomenon, but it happens in Christian families too.

In premarital relationships, the Lord will necessarily reveal such a spirit if you pray and fast about this.

And what should one do who, reading these lines, sees such a spirit of violence in his family and begins to understand that this is something abnormal? How to solve this problem without breaking relationships?

It is difficult to give an unambiguous answer in all cases, but love can solve everything in the best way, offering the most acceptable way out.

Jesus was surrounded on all sides by public abusers, to whom He related with worthy respect as authorities among the people, but without yielding to their influence and without losing His dignity under their attacks.

Understanding who I am in God's eyes helps me too to recognize any forms of violence and resist them in the right spirit. In relationship with an abuser it is best to have personal independence from his opinion and not take his accusations to heart.

It is worth remembering that the laws of any country protect the inviolability of the body of their citizens, therefore any sexual or physical violence is a criminal offense for which the guilty will be punished, even if he committed this evil deed in his family. Also the intervention of relatives or friends can become substantial obstacles to the next violence. And in all this wisdom from above and the right Spirit are needed.

1. Please read Ps. 10:5; Prov. 21:7; 22:24-25; 24:1-2; 29:22-23; Isa. 59:1-8; 1 Sam. 18:10-11; 20:30-33; 25:3,10,25; Matt. 3:7-10; 9:34; 23:3-4,15,27-28; James 1:8,13-16,19-20 in light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your memory?

3. What did you understand from this topic?

4. Have you encountered abusers in your life?

5. Can a loving person be an abuser?

6. Do families need abusive relationships?

7. What is the difference between an abuser and a demanding or strict person?

8. Is it necessary to understand and remember that an abuser is not quite an adequate person who does not always understand his problem?

9. What to do if I understood that I am an abuser?

10. Is abuse something hereditary or is it a sin that can be fought?

11. How to help one who is a victim of abusive relationships?

12. Can a loving person be both loving and an abuser?

13. Is it important to know that there are abusers, and how they are recognized?

14. Is divorce the best solution for abusive relationships?

15. Is love strong enough to resist all violence?