Just Punishment

When sending children to study at any school, we understand that they will be taught something there, and they will come out as educated people. Any educational institution forms certain discipline in the student's heart, and it would be surprising for us if schools graduated their students with the same level of knowledge and qualifications with which they accepted applicants.

Family is the very first school of life for a child, which they enter against their will, but by fact of birth. They have no choice, but there is an unwritten program by which knowledge of this world occurs and study of everything this world is filled with.

Training obedience is also a school of life and that science which not many children like, but which they must definitely understand and absorb through pain and deprivation, through trials and humility.

When we see obedient and meek children in other families who are very attentive and prudent, then an impression may be formed that their parents were lucky, and this is a happy accident that doesn't happen to everyone. But if we inquire how much parental strength and patience was invested to raise such a miracle having self-control and right direction in life, then we will understand that without certain efforts nothing similar will grow in your garden, but only weeds and thorns will grow.

In my childhood I was friends with many classmates and was always interested in how their parents punished them. Many of them were never punished by parents and parents didn't react to their violations of school discipline in any way, which caused envy in me.

Being teenagers, these friends created many problems for their entire surroundings. But one of my friends drowned while drunk at 16 years old. Another shortly after got into a fight while drunk and was killed. The rest died before 30, some from alcohol, some from drugs, and someone spent their life in prisons, and it's unknown if they're still alive. It's painful to realize this, but now I see direct connection between training obedience and future human happiness. And the Bible confirms such conclusions with its statements. We read in Heb. 12:6-11: "For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

In any punishment there must also be justice, which children understand, see and feel very well. Parents don't need to play theater, but must have knowledge and self-control. Children can provoke punishments themselves, consciously violate all prohibitions and drive even restrained parents out of themselves to test boundary strength or because their mind at this time is subjected to attacks from evil spirits. It's better for father and mother to abstain from any form of punishment than to perform it under influence of emotions or over a rebelling child who is incapable of adequately perceiving and evaluating anything. If your heart is boiling with anger and your eyes are darkening from indignation, then set your heart not to do anything until you soberly evaluate the situation. Postponement of punishment is also part of the upbringing process, and this won't undermine your authority in the guilty party's eyes.

It happens that the most difficult action for parents is showing calmness and self-control to soberly evaluate the situation and act wisely.

If your child has pressed their lips together, clenched their hands and is tense like a compressed spring, then one shouldn't expect good results from such a state. They are ready for any battle, and no punishment of yours will make them see reason, but rather will embitter them more and sow unkind seeds. But such reaction to what's happening has temporary character, and sometime the riot will pass, and then it will be possible to convey to the consciousness of the little rebel that such spirit is unacceptable in your house and must be punished. Children understand well the justice of such attitude and accept what they deserved, but they will never justify any unjust attitude toward themselves and may keep this pain for many years, especially if this was systematic attitude.

In any punishment there must be certain rules that children intuitively know, and parents must understand these rules and support them.

1. Boundaries, prohibitions and norms that cannot be violated must be defined. If they don't exist, then it's difficult for children to understand what they're being punished for.

2. Don't require impossible things from children that they can't yet do or don't understand.

3. Don't perform punishment under influence of anger or irritation.

4. React immediately to any violation that is discovered. Let the violator understand that their actions are discovered and establish measure of punishment according to situation.

5. Before implementing punishment, let the guilty party understand that you very much regret that you have to act this way, but leaving them without punishment is also impossible.

6. After punishment, definitely comfort the guilty party, hug them, assure them of your love and wish them not to repeat such mistakes.

7. When the child calms down and returns to normal, discuss with them in light of the Bible why disobedience must be punished and what heavy consequences it can lead to if it remains without punishment.

8. Perform any punishment with love for the violator, explaining to them that they are punished from love. It's precisely the spirit of punishment that determines its benefit or harm.

9. When possible and necessary, pray before applying punishment and after it.

10. Never reproachfully remind the child of past mistakes for which they asked forgiveness.

11. Always forgive the violator when they repentantly ask forgiveness, and behave as if nothing happened.

12. Determine type of punishment according to age and violation.

13. When passing sentence, don't cause injury to the child's body and psyche.

14. Always remember that parents' authority is created very slowly, but can be destroyed by their own hands and words very quickly, without possibility of restoration.

15. When possible, allow the child to choose punishment for themselves for conscious violation and control its implementation.

All these and similar rules are good only when they are written in mind and heart. If they are placed in a frame and hung in a visible place without trying to absorb what's written, then they will testify against you.

Remember the fact that children understand and feel very well when they bear just punishment and when this is done in a burst of anger or arbitrariness. They subconsciously evaluate the situation better than parents and will accept everything from love for them, but won't forget what had another spirit.

1. Please read Rev. 3:19; Prov. 3:11-12; 10:9; 15:10; 19:18-20; 29:17; James 2:13; Isa. 49:15; Luke 12:47-48; Rom. 13:5; 2 Cor. 2:6-8; Joel 3:13 in light of this chapter.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?

3. What did you understand from this chapter?

4. What is just punishment?

5. How to determine if my punishment was just?

6. Should one remember that children understand very well which punishment is just and which is not?

7. Why shouldn't children be punished for sincerity and truthfulness?

8. Should punishment, besides justice, also be wise?

9. What goal should any child punishment have?

10. Is the spirit with which just punishment is carried out important?

11. Do parents need to learn how to correctly, with love and justly punish all disobedience?

12. Why is it necessary to convey to a disobedient child that by their disobedience they sin against God?

13. What to do if it's necessary to punish the guilty party, but you really don't want to?

14. Why should there be different punishments for different violations?