Carrot and Stick

A stick is a thin rod that, when in sharp contact with the body, causes severe pain at the point of contact. It is an effective means of achieving desired discipline, helps quickly absorb complex rules and solves many problems without unnecessary nerves and worries.

A carrot is a sweet flour product that causes pleasant sensations in the mouth at the point of contact with the tongue. It is an effective means in achieving desired discipline, helps quickly solve complex problems and doesn't require excessive nervous tension from parents.

There is the following saying: To stimulate a child to something, you need a stick or a carrot. There are positive sides to one approach or another, but there is also harm that will cause irreparable damage to the child's psyche if one gets carried away with certain methods of influence.

Under "stick" one can understand physical impact on the body, emotional indignation—reprimands, screaming and scolding. Territorial punishment is deprivation of some special privileges or rights to games and leisure.

"Carrot" can be praise, hugs, kind words, giving some sweets or small gifts. In some cases this can be monetary reward. This also implies providing greater privileges or permission for longer time for games or walks.

Although "stick" very clearly conveys information about behavioral rules and helps quickly achieve the desired result, it also brings pain to the child's body and psyche. And pain doesn't develop responsive feelings of love, kindness and tenderness in consciousness. It causes fear, resentment, annoyance, aggression, withdrawal, weakens emotional connection with parents, lowers self-esteem, can stimulate the child to secrecy or deception to avoid punishment. "Stick" is not an effective and long-term means of influence for achieving the desired goal.

Although "carrot" is pleasant to every child, excessive stimulation with this means can form in the young person's mind too strong dependence on constant encouragement, which will stimulate them to fulfill direct duties not from love for parents, but from desire to receive another "carrot."

Encouragement is just as important a part of the educational process and requires the same wisdom from above as punishment. If you simply take this method and make it the main stimulus for achieving the desired result in behavior and discipline, then this can cause irreparable harm to personality formation.

There are certain family responsibilities that children should do from personal necessity or from love, or because this contributes to general family welfare. And this is a norm of life that doesn't require additional praise. For example, cleaning one's room and bed, washing dishes, doing homework.

If these activities are additionally stimulated, then there is risk that children will begin to do this for the sake of receiving another encouragement and will lose living interest in these activities when the stimulus stops.

Absence of encouragement is as bad as its excess. A kind word, gentle touch, deserved praise, some surprise are appropriate when the child doesn't expect this, but performs their tasks wholeheartedly.

It's also very important to encourage the child not for the result, but for their efforts and striving toward the final goal.

If you praise children only for successful completion of some work, then this can distort their understanding of responsibility and cause annoyance if the result is not as good as expected.

Children don't have that sense of responsibility that adults sometimes expect, and non-completion of some assignment doesn't mean that children ignore it. They may simply have dozens of other urgent matters that they also want to manage to do, but this doesn't go so quickly.

If encouragements are too frequent and inappropriate, then the child may stop valuing them or will consider them insufficient.

One should also understand the child's love language. What for one may be the limit of dreams and highest reward, in another may not evoke any joy. Children, like adults, have special perception of offered encouragements. If their love language is touch, and they greatly rejoice in your hugs, then other stimulators won't influence their heart as much as the warmth of your hands and body.

If "stick" is an external factor of behavior control, then "carrot" develops internal motivation and makes any duty desirable and significant.

Family responsibilities should be fulfilled by children not from fear of punishment and not from desire to receive encouragement, but from correct understanding of their family status, in which everyone works for the good of others from love and desire to bring benefit and contribute to the common cause.

There are things that children shouldn't do either by age or by status, but through "carrot" they can gradually be taught to perform those types of work to which they wouldn't even pay attention. Encouragement helps the young master feel their significance, and sometimes indispensability. Awareness that you are needed by someone, dear and useful, stimulates the heart to achieve higher goals.

In spiritual values and matters related to salvation of the soul, parents need to show special wisdom and caution so as not to create a distorted idea about God in the child's consciousness with the help of "stick or carrot" and not buy their obedience if children have no interest.

Not all children perceive biblical themes equally. One listens with interest to the same story about David and Goliath for the 121st time, while another doesn't understand why it was necessary to act so cruelly with one who wanted to test strength.

In many cases, timely and wise "carrots" can form correct habits, love for work, perseverance and many other positive qualities of soul that in the absence of encouragement might simply not develop at all. Receiving reward for this or that work, the young worker begins to see benefit from their occupation, develop correct internal motivation and receive true satisfaction from work done. Moreover, both the process itself and the result bring benefit.

If a child's work is properly valued, then this raises their self-esteem. Positive emotions contribute to stable development and reinforcement of business qualities and form emotional stability and self-confidence. They're not afraid to take on new tasks and solve them. They're used to getting pleasure from what they do.

It should be noted that in correct encouragement, Higher Forces of Deity are also present, which establish the soul in truth and in the right direction of life.

"Dry bread" is also one of the varieties of human relationships in which there is no taste of life and joy, but there is sense of duty, responsibility, necessity, because that's how it should be. They don't let one die of hunger, but also don't satisfy the child's soul with what it needs. Children quickly get used to what they're fed and bring that seed that is sown in them. But think for yourself what you're cultivating in your child, and how you want to see them in the future?

1. Please read Phil. 4:8; Gen. 3:23; 15:1; Ruth 2:12; Prov. 11:18; Matt. 25:23; Luke 6:26; 19:17; John 18:22-23; Gal. 5:13-15; 1 Tim. 3:1-5; Titus 3:1-8 in light of this chapter.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?

3. What did you understand from this chapter?

4. To what sphere of our lesson do Jacob's words from Gen. 27:4 relate: "and make me savory food, such as I love, and bring it to me that I may eat, that my soul may bless you before I die."

5. What is "carrot"? How do you understand this?

6. In what cases does "carrot" bring benefit and blessing?

7. In what cases can "carrot" become a curse for the child?

8. In what cases should children be encouraged and promised reward for their deeds, and in what cases is this unacceptable?

9. What love languages in children do you know?

10. Why is it so important to know your child's love language and encourage them precisely in this language?

11. Why won't encouragement in an unfamiliar love language bring expected effect and benefit?

12. What types of "carrot" do you know?

13. Is it pleasant for you yourself to hear and receive approval and encouragement addressed to you?

14. Does the expression "smarty" make you happy? In what cases is it inappropriate?