Building Trust

What will happen if you want to build a good and solid house, but at the same time you don't consult with anyone and start buying the cheapest materials, hiring low-paid workers and don't bother learning construction laws? It's quite likely that you will build something, but there's no guarantee that this something will be sturdy, durable and safe. And spontaneous natural phenomena and catastrophes will very quickly reveal all hidden defects and teach you that in certain spheres of life it's necessary to think not only about money, but also about a wise approach, even if it initially seems long and expensive.

Trust is something that is so easy to receive from another due to an innate need, but to maintain it, it's necessary to be an honest, open and decent person. In our time, lies and deception, rudeness and greed, envy and many other vices are very developed, which destroy trust between people and bring this spirit into families.

If trust between spouses is destroyed in any family, this will deprive them of the main foundation of their relationship, and they will be left only with legal responsibility before the state and society. And with this responsibility they will somehow survive and achieve something together, dreaming that a miracle will happen and everything will change at one moment.

But how can you start believing someone who is unreliable? How can you build love with someone who bites you and doesn't value you? It's difficult to answer.

Building trust has its own laws, which can create something new and beautiful on ruins and establish what was originally laid on the foundation of faith, love and friendship.

Any family begins beautifully and romantically. I haven't seen a single wedding where the groom and bride argued and cursed each other. But when time passes and trials come, then the most interesting begins.

Building trusting relationships with a child takes its beginning from mutual trust between spouses. But even if this doesn't exist due to the absence of faith in God in one of them, the faithful side can build something good and solid. Children feel very well those whom they can trust, and quickly become attached to those who live by the laws of trust and love.

Where to begin? If you already have something destroyed in relationships with children, and there's no hope and wisdom to restore it, then it's best to start with repentance, in which you will sincerely regret that you allowed such a spirit in your life. First discuss this question with God and ask Him for forgiveness for your mistakes. The Gospel begins with the words: "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near" (Mark 1:15), and if you realize your mistakes and repent of them, then it will be very easy for you as parents to find a path to the child's heart. Not children, but parents build trusting relationships. Children gladly enter into them and live in them. They are more open to trust than we imagine.

Recognition of one's guilt and openness on the part of parents disposes the child's heart to trust and gives the child hope for something better and good. Don't rush. You will still have much to do, break in yourself and discover new things. But knowing that this is possible, and faith that it will work out, is powerful support, even when it's dark around.

It's characteristic for children to be open and boldly express their emotions and feelings. Listen to them attentively and don't rush to rudely cut off their speech. Listen and hear what childish lips are telling you.
Let the child understand that he is a full-fledged family member, whose opinion must be considered, and that he is irreplaceable in his uniqueness.
Depending on whether your children are joyful or sad, it's important to be their emotional support at all times.
Every person has personal boundaries that must be known and observed. The child must understand that his personal space is inviolable, and that you too have your boundaries, which are clearly defined and which it's better not to violate.
Prepare for the fact that your son or daughter will bring much negativity from the world, and after hearing them out, give your assessment of what happened and separate good from evil.
Accept the child as he is. Understand his interests and inclinations and use these features for his benefit. Children are interested in doing what they like. They are more energetic in those things that are close to their heart.
With any punishment, it's necessary to explain the reason and how bad the violator's behavior was. Any shouting, humiliation, rudeness, intimidation destroys trust. And the punishment itself must correspond to the measure of guilt and be fair, so that the child recognizes this and gives consent. If you are convinced that there is no guilt on his part, then don't rush to carry out extreme measures. It's better not to punish at all than to punish undeservedly.
Consult with the child in solving family tasks and questions. Give him the right to make small decisions in small plans.
Fulfill all your promises. Ask again whether the little one has any expectations from you, what he is counting on, and you perhaps forgot.
Don't be afraid to talk about your mistakes and your imperfection. Children see all this perfectly, and your admission will not diminish your authority in their eyes. Be honest with yourself, and with children too.
Be consistent and predictable in your behavior. Don't be what you are not, and don't start doing what you don't intend to continue.
Allow the child to make his own decisions and make his own mistakes, bearing his own consequences, not scolding him for sluggishness or stupidity, but giving him the right to seek a way out of the situation himself, slightly giving a hint in the right direction.
If the child disagrees with something, then he should have the right to express his point of view without condemnation from your side. If he is wrong, then parents can also calmly and openly explain this. Don't pressure his will with your authority and wisdom, let him understand that everything can be negotiated with you.
Don't try to control every step of the child. Give him freedom to do what he chooses for himself within the framework of home order. Give him the right to a personal life and experiences and the right to share with you only what he wants to tell.
Decide for yourself what family holidays, traditions and rituals are acceptable in your family (for example birthdays and wedding anniversary) and actively participate all together in preparing for them and never forget these dates, taking vacation for this time and inviting guests whom everyone will be glad to see.
Building trusting relationships, consider the age and emotional maturity of the child, expecting from him what is acceptable for his level. Don't reproach him for his young age and don't tell him: "It's not for you to teach me," adding to this phrase such humiliating words as, for example, "snot-nose."
Don't try to learn by heart all these and other rules and laws of building trust. Ask God to write them in your heart, remind you of what you've learned and guide your consciousness when there is need.

When trust already exists, then it's very easy to build and maintain it in the spirit of love and friendship.

Trust without love cannot be solid and mutual. And unconditional parental love makes trusting relationships a special fortress, where the child feels safe and where he is comfortable sharing everything that lies on his heart.
Don't scold children for their sincerity and honesty in trusting relationships, even if they share very bad things. And don't rush in these cases to act to fix something to the detriment of the child's reputation. Prayer for wisdom from above will tell you how to act correctly and what to undertake in such cases.
There's a saying among people: "A smart thought comes afterwards." And this one: "After a fight, you don't wave your fists." Don't present yourself as very smart with those pieces of advice that are impossible to apply to fix something.
Set aside time for heartfelt conversations with the child and observe him. Perhaps he will want to tell you something earlier than you plan to listen to him.
Remember that you, parents, in your attitude toward each other and toward other people, give children a clear example of how reliable you are for trusting relationships. Your respect, respect for others' opinions, your reaction to this or that event - all this is noted in the child's consciousness and has a special influence on the development of character and thinking of your children. It's characteristic for them to imitate those whom they love and respect. Even if you don't teach them what you do yourself, they will still copy your actions and words. You are a clear example for them and the simplest textbook by which they study many things and form their tastes and habits.
Don't force the child to eat what, in your opinion, is healthy, but he doesn't want it. But at the same time don't replace this dish with something tastier, but explain to him that in such case he won't get anything else. And after the meal, find out the reason for his refusal and take his explanation as a note to yourself.
Show interest in what interests your child, what captivates him and what he enjoys doing. Cooperate with him in his hobby and take direct participation in his activities when he asks for it.
If the child has his own place for storing "treasures" or other valuable things that are safe for life and health, then consider this his personal space, which cannot be entered without his knowledge and consent. This can be anything from a collection of candy wrappers to favorite toys. But it's worth teaching him that all these things should always be neatly folded in a certain place and not scattered throughout the house.
It's important to remember and consider that each generation has its own tastes, values and views on life. Although you will try to instill your worldview, also consider the new life position of your children and grandchildren.
Trusting relationships are built for life and should pass from generation to generation, and be maintained until death itself, regardless of how long you have lived. Don't judge adult children for a different view on life priorities and values, but if this doesn't harm their soul, let them know your personal opinion too, while respecting their choice.
Each child has his own uniqueness and distinctiveness. Don't try to remake these unique properties of his individuality to fit yourself, trying to embody all your expectations in him.
Each stage of the child's growing up changes his behavior and views on life. It's important for parents to understand this and adapt to the new age and grow together with their children, keeping pace with the times.
Don't condemn your child during failures and don't criticize him for bad grades or life mistakes. With special caution, learn to direct his consciousness toward correcting the situation and give those pieces of advice that in the future will be able to help and fix something. Believe in him and tell him about it, making it clear that you love him no matter what.
The older the child becomes, the more freedom of action he receives. But at the same time, more responsibility for his behavior is placed on him. And in this growth it's necessary to have balance within the framework of freedom and permissible boundaries of the child's behavior, which he must understand and respect, so that in his striving for freedom he doesn't lose your trust.
If the child has sinned against you and, realizing his action, repented, then forgive him and never remind him of these mistakes and sins. And if these sins will have sad consequences for you, then don't criticize the child for what he has already repented of.
Teach children to reduce any conflict or unusual stressful situation, if possible, to general peace, and if this doesn't depend on them, then to their personal peace with God. Make it clear that peace in the heart is that quiet harbor where they should always return. And make it so that your communication with them contributes to this return. Teach children that their inner world is very important to you too, and then it will be easier for them to ask you for help during a crisis.
Develop in children a sense of self-worth, reminding them that they are children of the Heavenly King. Support this status in them and show them due respect in the family hierarchy and subordination. Don't devalue their dignity for their mistakes, but help them rise to the proper height and value themselves in the light of the high price paid for their salvation.
The child may have his own personal secrets or secrets of other friends. Let him understand that you respect this right to have his secrets and won't enter this territory without his consent. Trust implies that not everything should be under parental control. And if they decided to share someone's secret with you, then don't betray your child to other people. But at the same time pray that the Lord reveals to you all the sins of your children while they are under your influence.
Don't compare your child with other children to his detriment. Don't evoke in him a feeling of inferiority because someone is better. This humiliates him and destroys trust in you.
Consider your child's choice, starting from his hobbies, and with age - with the choice of his profession, life partner and his life path. Respect this freedom, but don't hesitate to wisely express your opinion too, if it differs from his and they want to hear you.
Share with children your life experience, your experiences and mistakes, your victories and joys, your secrets and discoveries. They are also interested in knowing how your inner world is arranged and how much useful things are hidden in your hearts.
Respect and acceptance of the child's friends also forms strong trusting relationships that extend beyond the family.
Support the child's initiatives. Inspire him to new feats and discoveries. Be his sail in his life path.
The greatest trust in children is evoked by those fathers who love their mother very much and don't hide this love, and constantly demonstrate it, and then transfer this model of relationships to them, constantly reminding children that their mama is the best in the world. In mutual love, all family members feel needed, irreplaceable and protected.

Questions for Reflection:

Please read Col. 3:21, Eccl. 4:17; Is.30:21; Eph 6:4; 1Pet.2:9-10; 2Chr31:16; Gen.16:19; Rom.12:10; Luke.2:46-49; 1Sam.20:17; Gen.4:5-7; Neh.8:10; Gen.48:17-19; Amos 3:3; Job 1:4-5; Gal.6:7, in light of this chapter.
What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?
What did you understand from this chapter?
What mistakes can lead to the destruction of trust?
What happens to a family if trust between spouses is destroyed?
Is it possible to restore trust if it has been lost?
Why do children trust faster those who live by the laws of love?
Why is it important to listen to children attentively and not interrupt them?
How does emotional support from parents influence a child's trust?
Why is it important to accept a child as he is?
Why is fulfilling promises so important for trusting relationships?
How does parents' recognition of their mistakes influence children's attitude toward them?
Why can't trust without love be solid?
How can parents build trust with children even if their views on life differ?