Right Questions

In the process of raising children, parents become accustomed to instruction and teaching, to control and command, which helps the growing generation go through life on the right course and not make serious mistakes choosing what whose consequences are unknown to you.

But parents should consider that correctly posed questions are an important part of upbringing, and when the adolescent period comes, they become a necessary process that has proper influence and teaches much.

For a teenager to become independent, responsible and able to make important decisions, wise questions need to be asked to him:

• which will encourage him to reflection and deeper analysis of what is happening to him;

• which will help him develop in the right direction and develop personal responsibility;

• which will motivate the search for correct independent solutions, rather than waiting for instructions;

• which help understand and realize one's feelings, manage them, and also understand others' feelings.

Parents' questions should not contain humiliation, pressure, insults, accusations, manipulations, ready answers, comparisons with others, reminders of past mistakes, rhetorical questions, building up fear and pity, abstraction or complexity. They should not be asked as a result of anger or under the influence of bad mood. Remember that the spirit and intonation with which a question is pronounced can completely change the meaning of even the most correct question.

It is necessary to feel the time and place to ask the teenager about something. When he is tired or irritated by something, he may consider your desire to help him understand his feelings as pestering and violation of his personal space.

Also, questions should not be asked that the teenager himself cannot solve and this will reveal to him his helplessness and weakness. These may be questions about politics, economics or about another person's choice. When asking any question, father or mother need to understand whether their teenager has any answer and how much this will help develop independence.

When your questions are correctly formulated and asked at the right time, in a spirit of love and friendliness, then your young people will feel confident and happy, will learn to analyze their actions and desires and will begin to make correct decisions.

During the time when a teenager makes a mistake or is seriously mistaken about something, a correctly asked question will help him realize the true state of things and encourage making the right conclusion and seeking the needed way out.

When our forefathers sinned, the Lord decided to convict them with the help of questions, as a result of which the depth of their fall was revealed.

When Job and his friends philosophized about what they did not fully understand, the Lord directed their thoughts in the right direction with correct questions.

In the four Gospels we read that Jesus often answered others' questions with his own questions, encouraging his opponents to accuse themselves and give correct answers.

The method of influencing a situation by asking wise and correct questions is not something new, but it is very effective because it does not violate others' boundaries, respects everyone's choice, offers something better and teaches responsibility and independence.

When a teenager hears an interesting question and willingly answers it, then hears another question and finds the correct answer and continues to build communication in this spirit, this is not simply a quiz, but formation in him of self-confidence, understanding of his significance, improvement of trust in relationships. When he was able to give correct answers to all your questions worthily and independently, he feels like a winner and an excellent student, which raises his self-esteem and brings you closer.

It will not be superfluous to sometimes praise the teenager for his correct answers, admire him and pay him compliments, but without flattery and excessive jubilation. And sometimes your thoughtful appearance can show him that he taught you something, which will give him additional joy after communicating with you.

When your children feel themselves in equal relationships with you and respectful treatment of themselves, then it is easy to find common language with them and you are an indisputable authority for them. Your love and friendship only strengthens their trust and it will not be difficult for them to share their secrets and experiences when they see in you a friend wanting to help them and serve.

Parents do not need to hurry the teenager with an answer, but give him time to think. Sometimes this may take several days. Also, communication should not be turned into an interrogation, as a maturing person may feel like a suspect and close himself off. If you do not receive expected answers, then perhaps now is not the most suitable time for your questions. Questions should not devalue your interlocutor's feelings or emotions.

There is also such a method of conveying needed information to the teenager's consciousness without violating his boundaries—this is indirect instruction without direct dialogue. For example, parents want to teach their stubborn son something, but he does not want to listen to them. Then the spouses agree with each other to discuss the solution to his problem in personal communication when their son will hear them but not participate in their conversation. Parents begin to ask correct questions and give correct answers in a spirit of love and respect. This has its influence and does not violate anyone's boundaries. And the information heard can become a good seed when making independent decisions. But it is worth remembering that the maturing son knows how to understand your true motives and will very quickly see the trick in your communication if you do not show special wisdom and tact.

If your questions cause indignation or irritation, then do not continue such a conversation. It will not be superfluous to apologize if you behaved incorrectly toward the teenager and hurt his feelings with your questions.

If you ask: "Aren't you tired of sitting on your phone all day?", then this is unlikely to cause a feeling of joy in the teenager. But if you ask the question like this: "Share what new thing you found today in internet space?", then it is possible that he will tell you something that you could discuss together.

By their nature, questions for communication should not imply only two answer options, but should arouse lively interest and launch the thought process.

Your questions should develop the growing person's personality, help him take responsibility through his answers, make important decisions and seek independent answers to his life questions. If the teenager sees in you a wise mentor and friend, then he himself will seek communication with you and listen to what you say. But you need to respect his boundaries and his personal opinion and give him the right to make mistakes, but so that he understands that you do not condemn him but are always ready to help and support.

It is important for spouses to learn from each other in asking correct questions, discussing what sounds right and what does not, before going to the teenager with this. Understanding the influence of words and how another person hears you, you can skillfully wield this tool of upbringing and have success in this.

1. Please read Prov. 4:7; 15:1; 16:4; 17:27; 18:3; 25:11; 27:17; 29:15; 31:26; 1Cor. 13:11; Eph. 4:29; Col. 3:21; James 1:19; Rom. 12:2 in light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?

3. What was revealed to you in this chapter?

4. How can questions influence the formation of a teenager's personality?

5. Why did Jesus often answer others' questions with his own questions?

6. What mistakes should be avoided when formulating questions to a teenager?

7. Why is it important to consider spirit and intonation when asking questions?

8. Why is it important to choose the appropriate time for questions?

9. What should you do if a teenager perceives your questions as intrusion?

10. What questions can help a teenager learn to make independent decisions?

11. How, through questions, is a teenager's personal self-esteem raised?

12. How can questions direct a teenager to search for a way out of a difficult situation?

13. How does parents' discussion of their questions help achieve success in upbringing?

14. Did you notice that the teaching in this School is built on questions and answers?