Friendly Relationship

We read in Proverbs 17:17: "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." Being parents to your teenager is a responsibility, but being his friend is a choice, it's an art, it's a new world of new discoveries, it's a whole science that cannot be learned all at once and successfully practiced for all subsequent life. Though this can be a general decision of the whole family, made at the next family council, the success of this undertaking depends exclusively on the personal will of each parent.

You need to honestly examine at what stage of friendship with your teenager you are and ask him himself whether he considers you a friend. A friend-father or friend-mother is not a buddy or pal who can condone bad behavior and "turn a blind eye" to violation of usual rules, but this is a wise mentor who communicates as equals, notices and observes good sides, knows how to listen to other opinions, doesn't judge, is honest, truthful, and isn't afraid to make mistakes and admit his mistakes.

Perhaps your son or daughter don't yet know what real friendship means, and you yourself don't quite understand this question well, but you can learn this in Christ's School of Love and practice the knowledge you receive in real life.

Friendship is a decision for life. This is the beginning of new relationships. This is an amazing lifelong journey into your child's heart. It's good when this friendship began in early childhood and in the teenage period it restructured itself to the needs of a growing person, but if it doesn't exist, then it must be born from above in your heart and become that unchanging principle of life that will always suggest correct behavior and give correct words.

It's best to say your decision to be a friend out loud so you'll be heard and people will be interested: what does this mean. In response you can say that you've made such a decision and now will do everything in this spirit and direction.

Teenagers are very sensitive to any falsehood and understand perfectly well how sincere you are in your friendship toward them. If you want to play theater with them, then maybe a couple of performances will receive their approval, but then they'll close this door, and it will be very difficult for you to open it.

You can initially be a poor friend to your teenager, but if you honestly acknowledge your failures and mistakes, apologize for breakdowns and inability, but at the same time choose friendship, then I think that over time everything will work out more professionally and competently for you.

Why do parents need to become friends with their teenager? Father and mother are parents and will remain so forever, and for this they only need to give birth. They can be educators and teachers up to a certain age, and further an adult person will already seek mentors and teachers for himself. Friendship with parents is very close trusting relationships that will be for the teenager that strong anchor that will help him hold on among raging hormonal storms and floods of feelings and have a strong connection with those who are older, wiser, and smarter in this period. No one can better understand and comfort their teenager like loving friend-parents.

If a teenager reads useful books about love for teenagers and comes with this knowledge to his parents, asking them to become his friends and start loving, forgiving, and understanding him, then most likely nothing will work out for him, since this decision is a conscious choice that father or mother must make themselves, understanding what this is.

Friendship implies genuine interest in the teenager's interests, in his tastes, in hobbies and games. It seeks any opportunity to somehow manifest itself, give something, participate in something.

If you see that you're not doing well at being a friend, then don't be afraid to admit this. If you get confused in your new relationships, then say that something isn't right with you, and let them be patient with you.

Talk with the teenager about friendship, how he understands it, what kind of friend he would like to have, what he would give in return to his friend in response to his friendliness. And, understanding the need of the growing person, give him what he wants.

Some researchers conducted an experiment and asked strangers about what kind of friend they would like to have in their life. All sincere answers came down to the same denominator—everyone wants to be friends with someone who is like Jesus and possesses Divine character. Your teenager is no exception to this experiment, he dreams of being friends with Jesus in you, and if he doesn't receive this, then he goes to seek Him elsewhere, but not in those people.

Friendship doesn't cancel home order and personal boundaries. Respect should be mutual. If the teenager has his own room, then you can't burst into it without asking. If he has his own smartphone or his own internet account, then don't read his correspondence without his knowledge and permission, and having read it, don't judge for stupidity or insolence. Don't demand from him a detailed report of where he was and what he did—this destroys trust and doesn't develop friendship. Put these boundaries in your heart and wait until you're given permission and trusted with another secret.

Friends need to find time for "one-on-one" communication. If you have little time or don't have it, then it needs to be allocated, but in such a way that the teenager would be interested in spending this time with you, although by his nature he always waits for these relationships more than you do. Let this be something informal, but on a permanent basis. You'll be surprised that the teenager has something to tell you and something to listen to you about.

Your friendship shouldn't become an "iron chain" on which you will now hold your child and establish the length of this "chain." Freedom from both sides is an integral part of friendliness.

If by your education and development you "know everything" and are "always right," then keep this "knowledge" to yourself and don't bring it into your friendship. Learn to listen to what your friend knows. Let your wisdom combined with his creativity find mutual interests and come up with something common.

In your friendship there can be conflicts and misunderstanding. "Let not the sun go down" on these activities. Learn to forgive and ask for forgiveness first, not carrying bitterness or resentment within yourself.

Share how imperfect you were at the same age and how you suffered from your parents' misunderstanding, if this was the case. Let the child understand that you're not a perfect adult person, but one slightly older than he is, having childhood experience.

If you have photos or videos from your childhood, then show these to your teenager and tell about your past and what you experienced then.

If you're reading or hearing these words for the first time, and martial law is established in your house, then don't think that learning and accepting something new will immediately settle everything for you. Being a friend to your teenager is a prolonged process that must begin sometime, sometimes even on the "battlefield," and having begun, it should never end. And I want to assure you that the influence of this friendship will leave a mark for life and even after your death will warm your children's hearts with warm memories.

1. Please read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Ephesians 4:2; Proverbs 10:12; 18:24; 19:20; 20:7; 27:6,17; Matthew 7:12; John 13:34-35; Galatians 6:1; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; Amos 3:3, in light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your memory?

3. What was revealed to you in this chapter?

4. What is the difference between "being a parent" and "being a friend" to a teenager?

5. Why is friendship with a teenager an "art" and "science"? What does this mean in practice?

6. What qualities should a parent have to become a real friend to their teenager?

7. Why is friendship a "decision for life"? What obligations does this impose?

8. Is it important to voice your decision to become a friend to the teenager?

9. Why should the initiative in building friendship come from parents, not from the teenager?

10. Why is it important, when necessary, to be able to admit that you're "not doing well at being a friend"?

11. Why does reading a teenager's correspondence without permission destroy trust?

12. Is "one-on-one" communication with a teenager necessary? What is its value?

13. How can parental "know-it-all" attitude interfere with building friendly relationships?

14. Should your friend feel loved?