How to Listen to a Teenager

Teenagers are very sensitive to their parents and understand who they're dealing with. If your teenager was previously communicative but suddenly became silent and reluctant to share something with you, then don't look for the reason in him, it most likely lies hidden in the parents. Analyze your heart and how you reacted to his stories, what you answered him, and what spirit was present in your communication.

If you interrupt, start giving advice when it's not needed, answer without listening to the end, devalue feelings, express sarcasm, use what you heard later against the storyteller, mock what's important or don't show interest, then don't be surprised that you start being ignored or they become very stingy in communication with you.

And if the teenager's love language is communication and he avoids you in this matter, then you need to reconsider your attitude and in prayer ask God to show you your problem that closes the teenager's heart.

It's not difficult for a young person to close himself off from those who bring discomfort or wound an open soul. Closing of the heart doesn't happen all at once. Parents, as a rule, are accustomed to being leaders and don't monitor themselves and their speech, considering themselves right and wise, and small children also get used to this. But during the teenage period the child's thinking changes along with hormonal processes, and he begins to notice many things in relationships that didn't concern him before, and react to them. And instead of looking for the problem in themselves, parents attribute everything to teenage rebellion and declare war, the nature and causes of which they don't understand.

The ability to listen is an art of love. It doesn't come spontaneously and doesn't appear from nothing. And if you consider the high cost of time or its absence for close people, then the ability to listen is also a victory over yourself, it's the voice of the heart saying: "You are very dear, needed, and important to me. I'm very interested in what you're telling me. I'm ready to listen and understand you and your needs." Love knows how to speak without words, it knows how to listen expressively and act with love, taking into account what was heard. When a teenager sees this, then he begins to speak and open up, observing how far he can let his listener go.

Each of your words, your reaction and intonation have a certain influence and create an atmosphere of trust or caution.

If you really understand that you want to listen to the teenager, then you need to stop for this. Put aside or turn off your phone, take earphones out of your ears, leave all your affairs, look into the eyes (if you're not driving), listen attentively and to the end of the story.

Principles are offered here, but in each case they should proceed from the existing situation and different circumstances, consider these advice not as a rule for all cases.

If your teenager is talkative, this doesn't mean that everything is wonderful in your relationships. You can talk a lot and about nothing, about everything, but about emptiness. And any attempt to enter the heart and find out what it lives by will be met with hostility and transferred to another channel. Try to understand what depth you're at in your communication.

If there are no conversations at all on any topics, then don't impose your communication, but first pray about how to build this bridge and what you need to change in yourself.

The reason for the teenager's silence can also be sin that he commits but doesn't want to tell about, or some wound that you caused him carelessly. Your openness, desire for change, sincerity in repentance, and friendliness will help establish the true causes of alienation and begin building something new and solid. Sometimes your interested and expressive presence nearby without words can tell more than ridiculous justifications.

It can be very difficult for an adult person to change his habits and manners in communication. But in relationships with a teenager you need to reconsider these manners and remove from your heart what can destroy emotional connections with the teenager and lead communication into a dead end.

The art of communicating with a teenager is a whole science that requires many parents to make many changes in life and thinking. And pride is not a very good teacher for authoritarian parents.

There are mistakes in relationships that kill teenagers' desire to open their hearts:

• Arrogance, intimidation, or dictatorship of parents;

• Criticism and humiliation instead of sympathy;

• Mocking what was heard, irony, or sarcasm;

• Comparing with yourself in the form of reproach: "I didn't think like that at your age!";

• Discussing intimate conversations with other people;

• Comparing with other children;

• Panic or fear from what was heard;

• Rudeness or harshness in answers;

• Condemning mistakes;

• Absence of time, attention, or interest in communication;

• Reading morals or preaching instead of dialogue;

• Manipulation or pressure when he doesn't want to tell something;

• Demanding a report;

• Devaluing the teenager's dreams or plans;

• Attempts to impose your opinion;

• Suspicion and intolerance of dissent;

• Ignoring feelings and experiences or accusing of weakness;

• Parents' inability to control their negative emotions and feelings or sharp mood changes not in a positive direction;

• Desire to always be right;

• Refusing to discuss topics that are complex and important for the teenager. For example: falling in love, meaning of life, self-determination;

• Parents' unwillingness to communicate.

To build wonderful relationships, trusting communication, and have genuine mutual joy from personal presence, years of painstaking work and prayers for wisdom in building these relationships are needed. And this can be destroyed very quickly, simply by showing ignorance or stupidity where attentiveness and wisdom should be.

There's a proverb: "Speech is silver, but silence is gold." And in both cases wisdom from above is needed when communicating with a teenager. What suits a daughter may not suit a son, and vice versa.

Blessed are those parents whom their maturing children consider friends and are ready to share their secrets with them, and this is not an accident or luck, but conscious building of such relationships throughout life.

If you don't have this, it's never too late to start. Acknowledge your mistakes and begin new construction with yourself. Ruins cannot be restored in one day, changes for the better don't happen in moments. If trust was lost, then much time is needed to acquire it again. Only you should understand whether this is within your power or you need God's help? And without Him we can do nothing.

Set aside special time for communication so that no one is rushing anywhere. Value this time and thank your teenager for the trust shown to you after each communication. Express your joy from the blessing of communication and look for opportunities to learn even more.

Remember also that if communication is not the love language for your teenager, then his silence doesn't necessarily mean alienation. Study his interests and give what is dear to his heart. And may all your words, motives, and actions be seasoned with the salt of love, desirable and tasty at all times.

1. Please read James 1:19; 3:17; 4:6; Proverbs 10:19; 15:1; 16:24; 17:27; 18:13; 25:11; Ecclesiastes 3:7; Colossians 3:21; 4:6; Ephesians 4:29; 6:4; Matthew 7:3-5; Philippians 2:3; Romans 12:10, in light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your memory?

3. What was revealed to you in this chapter?

4. How can parents determine if they have problems in communication with their teenager?

5. What other parental mistakes most often push teenagers away from communication?

6. What role do your intonation and facial expression play in conversation with a teenager?

7. How can pride destroy relationships with a teenager?

8. What habits do parents need to change to establish communication?

9. How to distinguish empty chatter from sincere opening of the heart?

10. How can parents learn to control their emotions in conversation?

11. How to express to a teenager that his feelings are important to you?

12. What topics are especially important to discuss with a teenager without judgment?

13. What does it give a teenager to realize that he is understood and accepted?

14. What will happen if parents put themselves above their teenagers?