A Conversation with a Son About Sensuality

If for some reason you live in a country whose language is not your native language, you need to decide which language you will communicate with your children in. Children will quickly learn any language and will speak it without any problems, but your native language may only be accepted in your home. For the child to understand everything you tell him and be able to correctly and competently express his thoughts in this language, he needs a large vocabulary and long practice in using these words. This is important to know and understand for those parents who emigrated to another country and do not plan to return to their homeland.

While children are small, not so many words are needed to communicate with them, and their logical thinking will develop within the vocabulary that they have mastered by this time. But in communicating with a teenager, much more sophisticated words, speech patterns, and expressive expressions are required so that they are understood, accepted, and touch the heart. You must understand what your teenager lives by, what interests him, and what he talks about. The time comes when you need not just to give valuable instructions, but also to conduct heartfelt, trusting conversations on any topics.

The topic of the harm of sensuality should also arise in your communication and be considered comprehensively. This is not a one-time conversation about what is good and what is bad, but prolonged conversations about real dangers that surround young people from all sides and will necessarily strive to penetrate your teenager's mind.

A conversation with a son differs significantly from a conversation with a daughter—taking into account some delicate topics that are customary to discuss between a young man and a man, and between a girl and a woman. Although there are many common basic principles in these matters as well.

In conversation with a son, it's important for the father to consider the teenager's age and understand what physiological and spiritual processes are occurring in the young organism. For each age there is its own topic, and one shouldn't get ahead of events, introducing the young man's consciousness to a world of feelings and emotions incomprehensible to him. However, it's necessary to manage to get ahead of the world—before temptations begin to attack the young mind.

Concepts about shame and chastity, about differences between boys and girls should be laid from an early age so that children understand that clothing protects not only from heat and cold, but also from lustful glances. And starting from 9-10 years old, it's necessary to introduce the child to the world of more intimate topics in a respectful and gentle tone, explaining that God created man and woman not for sin, but for pure relationships in love and holiness. That sexual attraction is God's gift, intended as a blessing for creating a family, and that it reveals the beauty of these relationships only in marriage with a beloved woman.

It's worth giving the example of the story after Adam and Eve's fall: how they understood that they were naked and became ashamed. That sensuality is sin and an attempt to receive sensual pleasure contrary to God's ordinances. That physiological changes will soon begin to occur in the son's organism, and he will begin to look differently at girls who now may seem to him like enemies or unbearable creatures. It's also important to explain that the world offers many indecent pictures and photographs capable of destroying life, while God wants children to guard their hearts.

At the age of 12-14 years, it's necessary to communicate with the son in a respectful tone, inviting him to frank and trusting conversations, explaining that the new feelings and attractions that are awakening in him are God's gift. That nocturnal emissions are a normal phenomenon and a sign that the organism is developing according to laws established by God, and that he is no longer a child but is becoming a man who has much to understand and experience. That a woman is not an object for lustful thoughts and connections, but a living soul and personality given to man for love and care within the framework of marital union. It's important to pay attention to the danger of pornography and the destructive influence it has on the mind, body, and will.

It's also worth talking about the harm of masturbation and the heavy consequences that this sin causes on physiological and emotional levels. The teenager can be told about medical studies of the brains of people dependent on pornography and about the damage this inflicts on the mind.

One can give the example of fire: when it's in the fireplace and under control—it warms and creates coziness, but when it goes beyond bounds—it destroys everything good and valuable in its path. It's also important to explain that a real man is one who knows how to control his desires, doesn't succumb to temptations, and knows how to say "no" to sin when it knocks on consciousness in various forms.

It's important to convey to the teenager at this age that you, his father or mentor, are not a judge but a friend who will help cope with any attractions and support in any struggle. That together you can find a way out of any difficulty and correct any mistake.

At the age of 15-16 years, conversations should be conducted as with an equal, respected person—in the trusting spirit of a friend who loves at all times.

You can share your victories over temptations in the intimate sphere, tell how falls and dependence on pornography destroy the happiness of future families. That chastity is not weakness and not a relic of the past, but strength and victory over the world of temptations.

Young people at this age already know a lot but are not yet informed about the sad consequences of violating God's principles. It's important to instill the fear of God, which is the beginning of wisdom and strength for victory in any sphere of temptations.

It's important to convey that a real man is not one who has had sexual experience with anyone, but one who understands his purpose and takes responsibility for the happiness and well-being of the chosen woman. That any intimate connections are beautiful only within the framework of lawful marriage, where he and she have agreed to care for each other and love each other to the end of life.

It's worth noting that even lawful marriage is not the goal and not the meaning of life, but for entering into it, it's important to preserve purity of body and thoughts.

The example of Amnon and Tamar from 2 Samuel 13 shows all the destructiveness of extramarital relationships and how much pain and grief this brings to loved ones.

It's important to convey the thought that men who follow after lust lose their mind, reason, and right to eternal life.

At 17-18 years old, you are dealing with an adult son who has already understood and experienced much. Treat him as a brother in faith, as an equal man. Respect his opinion and choice. The topic of conversations can be reflections that sensuality is a counterfeit having nothing in common with true love. That love values purity, thinks about another's happiness, and knows how to answer for its desires. That a girl is not a body and not an object for satisfying passion, but a soul needing love, friendship, care, and correct relationships. That a woman is the image and likeness of God, with a different nature of perceiving the world, and one of them can become a gift from the Lord and gladden the heart throughout life.

A man is a protector, not a consumer; this is God's image, not the likeness of Satan; this is a brave person ready to take much upon himself.

1. Please read Matt. 5:8,28; 2 Tim. 2:22; 1 Thess. 4:3; 1 Cor. 6:12-20; Heb. 13:4; 1 John 2:16-17; Rom. 6:13-14; Prov. 4:23; Eph. 5:3; Gal. 5:16, in light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?

3. What was revealed to you in this chapter?

4. Is it necessary to talk with children about the harm of sensuality?

5. What signs in a teenager's behavior might indicate that it's time to begin conversation about sensuality?

6. How to maintain trusting relationships with a son in the process of such conversations?

7. How to explain the value of chastity in a world where this is considered an outdated concept?

8. How to explain to a son the connection between respect for women and control over one's desires?

9. What should be the father's reaction if the son confesses to struggling with pornographic addiction?

10. How to reconcile biblical teaching about purity with modern concepts about relationships?

11. How to teach a son to distinguish true love from temporary attraction?

12. How to encourage a son to share his thoughts and questions on this topic?

13. What main mistakes do parents make when discussing the topic of sensuality?

14. What questions might arise in a teenager, and how to be prepared for them?