A Letter to a Silent Son

Sometimes something incomprehensible to parents begins to happen in a teenager's life, and all their knowledge and attempts to do something run into a deaf wall of silence, where there are no answers to all their questions. And the further life goes, the more this wall of separation grows.

It's difficult to determine the cause of such behavior in a teenager, as it can be many factors, starting from parenting mistakes to the influence of the world and peers, and all this against the backdrop of global hormonal changes in the child's organism.

Parents should remember that however closed their son may be, he has a heart that needs unconditional love, acceptance, and understanding of the teenager's needs. But when this heart is closed to living communication, then you shouldn't break into it, but it's better to try to find another way to convey information about your love.

Perhaps your son simply doesn't understand the love language you're trying to speak with him. And the love language he spoke in childhood no longer works, and parents need to seek new possibilities for how to open and prove their love. And fathers and mothers also need to understand themselves whether they have that love that their son so needs? Do they really love him, or does their innate egoism dictate its property rights, since they are his parents!

Fathers and mothers should understand and remember the simple truth that children don't experience feelings of deep gratitude for being born, for being fed and clothed, for being cared for and having money spent on them. This is accepted as a self-evident obligation, and parents are unlikely to hear praise addressed to them from other people if they start listing all their virtues regarding their children. They will see and receive all gratitude in their grandchildren.

One of the good and effective ways to address a teenage son's heart is writing him a letter. Although gadgets have pushed such activity aside, it continues to have power and exerts proper influence where words and actions are powerless. A letter can be reread several times or set aside for better days, but reinforced by your prayers and invested love, it will most likely be read.

It's important that this message of love contains no reproaches, curses, accusations, or attacks, that it doesn't declare your power and authority and doesn't cause fear in the teenager. It's also worth considering the son's age and level of perception, his abilities and talents. The letter shouldn't contain falsehood and hypocrisy or impose your orders. Let this be a sincere attempt by father or mother to express their love and understanding of the son's needs. Spouses can write not one common letter, but each from themselves, expressing the male or female line of relationships and understanding of love.

At age 13, a teenager needs more warmth, acceptance, and sincerity. He's no longer a child, but not yet an adult either. At 15, the teenager needs to be shown respect, empathy, understanding of his difficulties, and faith that he will cope. And at 17, it's important to write as to an equal adult person, expressing trust, understanding of pain, giving confidence and admiration for his successes. And in each message, the teenager should understand that parents are nearby, that they love and are ready to participate in his life.

I'll give an example of how this letter should sound:

"My dear boy (or name is indicated),

I understand that you're experiencing interesting times now, and we don't manage to discuss many moments of our relationship in words, but I would like in this letter to open my soul and make you understand how dear you are to me and how I love you with all my heart. Perhaps it's difficult for you to talk with us now or there are experiences you don't want to tell us about, but let this be your secret, but know that if you think this doesn't concern us, then you're mistaken. We very much want to understand you, support you, and show our love in deed.

We understand that you now have many questions, many trials, that you don't like everything we do, but we ask you to understand that we act out of love for you, although we understand that we also make mistakes.

Although we are adults, we are also learning to live and be loving parents. We are not perfect parents and are ready to acknowledge our shortcomings and mistakes, and if you tell us what you don't like about our attitude toward you, then we will better understand your needs and your point of view.

We don't judge you for your mistakes, although we are sometimes overly strict. I understand what a teenager your age experiences because I was like that myself. It's pleasant for me to observe how you mature and become a man. I see in you much of who I was at your age, and I'm proud that you're more capable than I was, that you understand many electronic matters better than me. It's pleasant for me to see that you have your own opinion and your own views on life—this says that you're becoming independent and confident. May the Lord bless you in all your ways.

But I also see that a wall has grown in our relationship that is difficult for me to understand without your explanation. It's very painful for me that we became the cause of such misunderstandings. It's painful to hear silence in your presence, painful to see your indifference. It's painful not because you're difficult and react this way, but because we love you and want to understand you, but so far we cannot.

We don't want to make a 'convenient' son out of you and won't break you to fit us, be yourself. But remember that we are always nearby to be one team with you and help you when you need us. We won't turn away from you even when you make mistakes or do something not as is accepted in our house.

Forgive us when we, wishing you well, attack you with accusations or reproaches. We sometimes try things we don't understand very well ourselves, and you suffer from this, and we suffer with you.

We pray for ourselves and for you and believe that when we don't have wisdom for how to influence you and what to give you, then God Himself leads you and doesn't leave you alone.

In communication with mom, we talk a lot about you, share our joys and sorrows with each other, wanting to understand what we're doing wrong and what we're doing right. And if you help us better understand your feelings, we would be very grateful to you. You are the dearest person to us and will always be, because you are our son and we love you.

We miss communicating with you, your laughter, your hugs, your questions. You are not a stranger and will never become one. You have a home where you will always find support and approval. We love you not for good grades, not for exemplary behavior, not for appearance, but because you are our son, given to us by God.

Remember that we are nearby and always await your open heart. We always pray for you and believe that the Lord hears us and answers.

Open your heart to us when it's ready. We're not hurrying.

With love. Your dad."

Your letter can be electronic or typed, but it's better to write it by hand on paper, and let it contain the spirit of love and acceptance.

1. Please read 1 John 3:18; Prov. 1:8-9; 10:1; 15:1,17; 16:24; 17:17; Ps. 103:13; 1 Cor. 13:4-7; Col. 3:13,21; Eph. 4:29; 6:4; Matt. 7:12; Rom. 12:10; 1 Pet. 4:8, in light of this lesson.

2. What other verses from the Bible came to your mind?

3. What was revealed to you in this chapter?

4. Why do teenagers often close themselves off from communication with parents?

5. Why can written communication be more effective than verbal conversation in communicating with a teenager?

6. How often should one resort to written communication with a teenager?

7. What reaction from the teenager can be expected after reading such a letter?

8. How to help a teenager understand that parents are truly interested in his feelings and thoughts?

9. What to do if the letter caused a negative reaction in the teenager?

10. How to help a teenager through a letter realize that his problems and experiences are normal for his age?

11. How to show in a letter that you're ready to listen and hear the teenager?

12. How to properly end a letter so that it motivates the teenager to reflection and response?

13. In what cases can written communication be preferable to direct conversation with a teenager?

14. What other ways for building bridges with a teenager do you know?