My Crisis of Faith

A crisis of faith is something every believer will inevitably encounter upon reaching a certain stage of growth. A crisis is inevitable, just as the trials of our faith are inevitable. We live in a world where a spiritual war is taking place—a war that does not stop for a single second and has no intention of ending. We cannot remain neutral in this war; through our choice or our unbelief, we take one side or the other.

I came to believe in God in 1993, and after walking with God for three months, I moved permanently from Russia to Germany. At that time, I was not a member of any church and did not belong to any denomination. I simply believed in Jesus and walked with Him, studied the Bible, and read whatever spiritual literature came into my hands.

A book titled The Great Controversy helped me greatly. It describes the spiritual war between good and evil and, with prophetic insight, tells of Christ’s victory and what awaits all the saved at the end of history. Through this book, I understood that God has a special people and a special church called the Seventh-day Adventist Church. The appearance of this church on the world stage is a fulfillment of the prophecies in Revelation 12:14–17. What distinguishes this denomination from all other movements is that the Lord entrusted it with the fullness of truth and gave it the gift of the Spirit of Prophecy, which helps preserve worldwide unity in doctrine and in the understanding of the Bible.

I searched for this church in Germany, where I had moved with my wife. After finding local congregations, I began searching there for friends. I had an immense thirst for fellowship with believers who were of the same spirit, and the Lord gave me these people.

In 1995, I received water baptism in this church and became a full member. My spiritual growth moved from one stage to another. I searched for spiritual mentors, but because I did not find them among people, I found them in spiritual books, which at that time began to be published actively and delighted my heart with an abundance of truth.

My church life in Germany did not have much variety. For years I attended church meetings, rendered unto God the things that are God’s and unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and did not understand what I should do next. But the knowledge that I was in the right church kept me from making any radical changes.

I reached the stage of faith at which the entire church remained, and I was already able to be a teacher and mentor to other people who came to our church. If I had entered a theological seminary at that time, I could even have become the pastor of a congregation.

Because I was constantly searching for truth and was a very enterprising person, the Lord used this ability to carry out certain forms of ministry on the internet. But without understanding what I was growing toward or what awaited me ahead, I began to wonder what was happening in my spiritual life and why the church was not moving anywhere.

In 2003, I met people who were actively engaged in missionary work while also actively opposing the lawlessness they saw in God’s church. I joined this movement and became an active member of the opposition who was constantly dissatisfied with something. Yet at the same time, I remained a member of my congregation and maintained a close relationship with Christ.

As I saw the sins of my fellow believers and received information from around the world about what was taking place in our worldwide church, I began to become disappointed in people. At the same time, however, I understood that the church’s teaching was correct and that I should not leave it, although my new friends indirectly urged me to do so. But something restrained me from within, and I remained a nominal member who did nothing to support his church but only introduced confusion and disagreement.

Against the background of these events, I began to experience what is called a crisis of faith. Traditional Sabbath sermons no longer satisfied me. The books I studied gave me no new revelations, and everything that had once brought me joy and inspired me in church life ceased to do so. Out of habit, I simply continued attending Sabbath meetings and did not understand where I was going amid this monotony that lasted for years.

When I openly spoke out against the sins of certain ministers in our church, there were always people who supported me in my boldness and others who considered me a very dangerous brother but could do nothing about me because I was telling the truth. But this way of life does not satisfy the soul. If I see only the sins of other people, it does not bring joy to the heart or draw me closer to God, because we are all sinful people.

My only comfort during this time was reading The Desire of Ages about the life of Jesus. In it, I saw an example to follow and learned to become like my Savior.

By 2008, my spiritual crisis had become so deep that I told all my friends that I was now walking through some kind of dark forest and did not know where I was going. Yet I continued attending church services and remained in close fellowship with the opposition movement, which had also ceased to satisfy my soul.

Throughout all this spiritual darkness through which I was passing, I was greatly helped by my habit of speaking with Jesus whenever I was alone. I did not hear His voice, receive any new revelations, or see any bright blessings in my life. But I held on to Him by faith with all my strength and told Him everything that was taking place in my heart, somehow understanding that He was near and listening to me, yet for some reason remained silent.

The Lord’s silence did not trouble me. I understood that He had some plan for me that I did not know. During this time, many of my values and unnecessary spiritual things collapsed within my mind. I became disappointed in what had previously attracted and inspired me. The world never enticed me with its temptations, yet I lived in constant debt, which forced me to work hard with my hands.

Unfortunately, at that time there was no one who could tell me that I was passing through the most important stage of my faith. How much easier it would have been to struggle with myself if someone had told me that this was not the end, but a new stage in my spiritual growth. But I did not know this and wandered in darkness for years without knowing where I would arrive.

In 2009, the Lord sent light into my life concerning medical missionary work, which at that time was developing actively in Ukraine. I heard something new for myself and began studying this field, which was very close to my heart.

By the summer of that year, I had reached a condition in which my spiritual crisis came to its peak, and every kind of crisis that could possibly occur in a person’s life entered mine. The only area in which I had no crisis was my relationship with Jesus, Whom I did not hear but with Whom I shared all my problems and experiences.

At that very moment, when the entire world had collapsed in my eyes, I somehow understood that I did not have love—the very agape love about which the Bible writes so much. I thirsted for it so deeply that it seemed I would die if I did not receive this blessing from Heaven. And the Lord heard my request and answered the cry of my soul. He revealed the new commandment to me and began teaching me to keep it.

1. Please read Deuteronomy 8:2–5; Job 23:10; Psalms 27:13–14; 42:5; 88:18; Isaiah 50:10; Jeremiah 29:11–13; Lamentations 3:25–26; Zechariah 13:9.

2. What other Bible verses came to your mind?

3. What did you understand?

4. What happens to faith when the Lord remains silent for a long time?

5. Do I continue seeking God when I no longer feel spiritual joy?

6. Have I begun noticing the sins of other people more than the condition of my own heart? How do I respond to the imperfections of the believers around me?

7. What happens to the soul when spiritual life becomes monotonous?

8. Am I trying to hide my inner emptiness behind active ministry?

9. Do I understand how deeply I need God’s love?

10. What do I do when familiar spiritual things no longer give me spiritual satisfaction?

11. Am I trying to seek new revelations or sensations instead of seeking Christ Himself?

12. Have I lost the ability to rejoice in simple fellowship with God?

13. Do I believe that a spiritual crisis can become the beginning of a new stage of growth?

14. Can I honestly say that, more than anything else in the world, I thirst for the love of Christ?