A Journey Within Myself

Life with God brings me into a community of like-minded people who share my convictions, teach me, influence me, and come under my influence. Together, we are called the church of Christ. We are God’s people, a movement founded by God, and He leads His people, preserves us, and blesses us.

If the Lord showed me my entire journey with Him from beginning to end, I would be greatly surprised to discover that the darkest periods of my life, designed by God, were the greatest blessings for me.

The church of Christ is at the third stage of faith, and it does not move beyond it. But God calls each person who has reached a certain point of growth to continue moving higher individually.

A person moves from experience and knowledge to relationships and the study of himself. God desires to have a closer personal connection with each of us. He dreams of each of us as a friend—as someone who will seek not only blessings from Him but will desire to have a close and deep relationship with Him, seeking to understand Who the Lord is, how near He is, and how I can know Him personally.

When I am occupied with ministry, I simply have no time for such a relationship. I must arrange everything, organize everything, and visit everyone. My planner is completely filled with plans and events. At the same time, I must also earn a living, make my home comfortable, and do many other things. But God immerses me in darkness and says, “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

And I move to the next stage of faith.

4. A Journey Within Myself.

How painful it was to pass through the darkness. But after emerging from it, I understood that during this period I had to reevaluate many things, reconsider my life, and discover that I have a heart which I do not yet know. I am a distinct person; I am a human being born for Eternal life with Christ. I am unique and unknown even to myself. The Lord gives me so many talents and abilities, but I become lost amid all of them and desire first to understand who I am.

I want to understand the people around me, how close they are to me, and whether I can have deeper relationships with them. I have many questions for God. I even have complaints about various situations, and I begin expressing them directly in my prayers and in simple fellowship with the Lord. Although I do not hear a literal answer, I receive instruction in another way. Sometimes I understand that I do not need an answer as much as I need the One Who answers. I thirst so deeply for this closeness with God, with my Savior. I feel so good when He is near. I consult Him about every little thing and can come to Him in prayer at any time.

At the same time, I do not turn my relationship with God into a general rule for everyone. It is personal, and at this stage each person’s relationship is formed in its own way, not as mine is. But the principle is always the same: I thirst for a closer relationship.

The invisible God becomes even closer to me, and at the same time I seek human closeness. I would like to have a spiritual mentor on this path as well. I so greatly desire to find explanations and interpretations for all my questions of “why” and “how.” What a joy it is to listen to and read the works of those who have traveled this path and share their experiences.

In the light of these new experiences, my view of ministry and fellowship with people begins to change. I see the depth and meaning of God’s providence for His people. I see that we are a family—all different, with different positions and understandings—yet we have been brought together to influence, educate, support, and bless one another. Many of us like each other so much that we even start families and have children, thereby adding to our community.

Amid this diversity, I search for someone with whom I can have a very close friendship, so that I may freely share what I am experiencing and also learn from my friend what he is going through. Not everyone opens up to this kind of fellowship, and sometimes I remain completely alone among friends who keep their hearts closed. Many people simply do not understand me. What do I need?

But in Jesus, I find that very close Friend Who will always understand and support me. And He conducts a dialogue with me very skillfully. I do not hear His voice, but my heart heeds His instruction and His Spirit. It is so interesting! I come to know the deep things of God and marvel at new discoveries.

I greatly enjoy being friendly, but in friendship I desire very close relationships. I am ready to trust another person so that I may hear wise instruction and correction from him. But everyone is occupied with himself—and so am I.

Sometimes my questions bewilder many people, and I see that not everyone is ready for the kind of interaction I offer. But this does not trouble me, because I was once the same way, and I know how difficult it is to open up to a friend who may suddenly betray or deceive you.

But I move forward by faith. And I have heard that the Bible says something about love. How good it would be to come to know this quality of the soul as well and bring it into our relationships. That would be wonderful! But for now, I am exploring my inner world, discovering new values, and establishing the right priorities. Life continues. And we grow.

I see many of my friends approach the trials through which I have passed, and they are afraid to enter this darkness. How can I help them? I have not yet understood myself. And all of this is painful. But if it is postponed until later, it will be even more painful—or it may never happen.

But no matter what stage my friends and those close to me may become stuck at, as long as they remain in God’s family and in the body of Christ, they should not fear perishing. The Lord accepted them not in order to reject them, but to preserve them from evil and prepare them for Eternity.

I have friends whose child has a disability and has very limited intellectual development. But his parents love him deeply and care for him tenderly. They have no intention of killing this little person. Instead, they arrange their home life so that this child will feel safe and comfortable within his family. He remains their beloved son, with whom they plan to spend all Eternity despite the fact that he is not like other people. How much greater the Lord is in His love for us! And how often we distort His love by attributing our human ideas and ambitions to God.

But as I come to know God more closely, I understand that He is Love.

And the Lord cooperates with me in my self-discovery and my journey within myself. I discover so many new characteristics and come to understand how wonderfully I am made and how beautiful the Lord is within my heart. As I study myself, I see everywhere the hand of God creating a new person. My new heart is also very unique. It is not a heart of stone but a heart of flesh, and upon it are visible the traces of God’s finger, which is writing a new story of my life and crossing out everything old and unclean.

Sometimes it is very painful to discover filth within myself, but I rejoice that when I find this impurity, I remove it with God’s help, and it is no longer there.

How greatly I need friends! But if I do not have them, I will make them my friends by giving myself to them. I must begin with what is in my hands and within my power.

I have also heard that God has a certain special love for me, one that always exists and never ends. How wonderful it would be to possess it continually! How much good could be done in such a condition of the soul! I should study this subject too, but first I will understand myself.

Yes, there is no way forward without love.

1. What did you understand? Is what we are studying clear to you?

2. Are you ready for changes in your life? Are you frightened by what awaits you in the future?

3. If I decide to remain at the stage where I am now, will this be a denial of Christ and an act of disobedience?

4. How can I determine where I am now among the stages of faith?

5. Why does God need such a long process for my spiritual formation?

6. Do you have a different understanding of God’s path for personal development? Please share it if you do.

7. How does God respond to my cries, complaints, grievances, and accusations against Him? Do I come under a curse if I behave this way?

8. Does God continue to love me if I become stuck in my development or stubbornly refuse to move forward through darkness and fire?

9. What should I do to accelerate my spiritual growth?

10. Please read Psalm 46:10; Ephesians 4:13; 2 Peter 3:17–18; Job 38:25–27; Luke 1:80; 2:40; 2 Corinthians 10:15–18; Colossians 1:5–6; 2 Thessalonians 1–3.