My Journey Inward

Every spiritual crisis provides a wonderful opportunity to examine one’s heart. When I become disappointed in something, my values are reevaluated, and everything unnecessary that hinders my spiritual growth is cast aside. The heart may also become hardened, causing me to choose the path of darkness. As I walk along it, I will not see the pits and chasms of sin into which I will inevitably fall.

Whether I want it or not, at a certain point the monotony of spiritual life begins to grow tiresome. What once inspired me, amazed me, and drew me eventually becomes ordinary and natural, and the joyful experiences that had been an immense stimulus for my spiritual growth are no longer present.

Many things and rituals become ordinary practices that I perform out of habit without even thinking about their deeper meaning. Yet I greatly desire to see meaning in everything, and if I cannot see it, I have to invent it in order somehow to justify my rituals and traditional actions.

It would be incorrect to say that I produce this condition within myself. Every kind of growth follows a certain pattern and has a particular next stage of development. The Lord has provided for us to encounter various obstacles and trials along our path as we grow spiritually, so that through them we may rise higher.

My perception and understanding of what is happening help me analyze many things that I did not consider at first and simply accepted with simplicity of heart. But time passes, and I begin asking myself questions: Why is it this way? What is it for? Can it be done differently? And many others. I want clear and reasonable answers to all my questions of “why,” because I am surrounded by people like me who may be asking similar questions but are afraid to speak them aloud. And I want to find within myself the answers to everything that comes crashing into my mind.

God does not desire us to serve Him out of fear, from a sense of duty, or because everyone else does so. He is open to being known and to every question. The Lord knows what troubles me and what questions I desire to ask Him. He already knew and heard all my complaints against Him and against myself before I was born. But all these experiences are new to me, and they are necessary so that I may mature in a new understanding of truth and of myself.

Having passed through the dark night of my soul, I rejoice that the Lord does not abandon His children during this gloomy time in their lives, but preserves them from evil according to His Word. I understand that in order to follow Christ, I must understand myself, reveal my true motives and genuine desires, determine my next goal, and in all of this have a pure heart and a clear conscience before God.

During this time, the Lord reveals to me my particular sins, which I had not previously considered to be sins. God’s Spirit helps me identify true values and give them first place. During this time, I greatly desire to fellowship with serious and wise people who can give me their answers to the questions that interest me. Although I have already been trained to discern good and evil, new trials help me see this evil within myself, and I do not want to live with such a neighbor.

Although many such thoughts and experiences can be painful, overall they bring me joy because during this time the right things are put in their proper places. With God’s help, I search through my heart, discover many valuable things, and see a great deal of refuse from which the Lord gladly delivers me when I ask Him. And the Lord Himself sets His hand to the work in order to help me pass through this entire fascinating period of self-examination.

During this time, many people do not understand me. My conversations about the depths of self-examination bewilder many of my friends because they are not accustomed to discussing such subjects and do not understand what is happening if they have not experienced a similar crisis themselves. During this time, I want to be alone more often and spend time in reflection and prayer.

If you see people like this who withdraw into themselves, perhaps they are experiencing something similar so that afterward they may soar higher and draw closer to God—or enter the darkness and justify themselves by accusing everyone who previously surrounded them.

We see and notice the sins of other people very clearly, and these sins can become a stumbling block to those who have not become established in Christ but have sought God in friendship or in fellowship with believers like themselves.

Reflecting on myself helps expose such problems of the soul and put all these things in their proper place in my life—or discard the idea of Christianity as something incomprehensible.

In these reflections, I discover for myself the true beauty of Christ’s character, become aware of His presence, and believe that He has not left me because He promised He would not. In some amazing way, the Lord helps me understand that He is near, that He holds me by my right hand, and that He walks this path together with me. Such faith and understanding greatly inspire me and keep me from making radical mistakes.

In my reflections about myself, I share with Jesus everything that is in my heart. I learn to entrust Him first with my small secrets and then with my great ones. It brings me great joy to understand and realize that the Lord listens to me and is deeply interested in what is happening to me. He has already traveled this path and knows what we feel during such a time.

As I speak with Him about myself, I cannot help realizing how close the Lord is to me during this time. In this closeness, I prepare myself to let my Savior into the most intimate secrets of my soul. I tell Him about my fears, disappointments, experiences, and the unknown that frightens me. The Lord listens and helps me understand that He knows me very well and will never abandon me in all these trials. He desires to assure me that I should not be afraid, but should hold firmly to His hand and move forward boldly.

In the Bible, in the book of Psalms, there are many verses written by people who journeyed within themselves and tried to understand where they could find a way out. And they found it in the Lord. Something similar happened in my life. The Lord became my hope and the answer in which I received comfort, strength, and hope.

When I began asking God for agape love—that very eternal love of God which I did not possess—my journey within myself became especially interesting. The Lord revealed many things to me in the light of love, and I clearly understood what a corrupt egoist I was while still bearing the name of Christ. Although such revelations about myself caused me great discomfort, I rejoiced that through them a special cleansing of my heart and life was taking place.

Now, as I remember all of this, I understand how important every period is in spiritual growth. We should not be afraid of it. But when a person does not know that everything happening to him is under God’s authority and within His will, he may stop and turn back, never again planning to grow further, remaining satisfied with the success already attained—or, even worse, leaving God’s church or walking his own path alone.

1. Please read Psalms 139:23–24; Jeremiah 17:9–10; Lamentations 3:40; 2 Corinthians 13:5; Hebrews 4:12–13; Psalms 34:18; 51:10; 73:21–26; 119:59; Philippians 1:6.

2. What other Bible verses came to your mind?

3. What did you understand?

4. When was the last time you honestly examined your heart before God?

5. Are there questions in your life that you are afraid to ask yourself?

6. Has your faith turned into a habitual religious ritual?

7. What will happen to your faith if the believers around you disappoint you?

8. Are you escaping from self-examination through constant busyness?

9. Do you desire to change, or are you already satisfied with yourself?

10. Do you believe that the Lord is near even when you do not feel it?

11. Are you ready to accept the truth about yourself, no matter how painful it may be?

12. Do you think there is another path for spiritual growth?

13. Should you be afraid of this period if it has not yet begun in your life?

14. Does knowing about the trials ahead give me any advantage in overcoming them?